Clichés with the Four Swords Team
by Time's Quill
Summary: A story that makes the Fourth Wall huddle into a corner and cry.  Rated T for light swearing, yaoi cracks, Mary-Sue bashing, and the occasional drug reference.  Traumatizing children:  baaaad.  Traumatizing teenagers:  goooood.
1. Fourth Wall, wherefore art thou?

WARNING: The following contains Xtreme RANDOMOSITY- Time's Quill Inc. is not responsible for lung failure due to over-excessive laughter, nor psychotic policemen hounding you for Noise Violations, nor your condition of brain-deadness because your mind _just couldn't handle the awesomeness._

Why is this story rated T? For light swearing, yaoi cracks, Mary-Sue bashing, and the occasional drug reference. T to be safe. Traumatizing children: baaaad. Traumatizing teenagers: gooooood.

The first paragraph is rough. It sets up the hu-mor of the story. Awww, is the widdle baby going to have to read bad fanfic? Tough. DEAL! THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN INDIA RIGHT NOW!

Enjoy,

~Author Quill

Chapter One

4th wall, 4th wall, wherefore art thou?

The Heroes of the Four Sword were arduously climbing up the side of Death Mountain in their quest to save Princess Zelda and stop the evil Wind Sorcerer Vaati. The evil sorcerer was trying to take over the realm of Hyrule, and the Heroes could not let that happen. The Maiden of Water, one of the few beings who could stop the monster, rested in the volcano's crater, trapped in her sapphire crystal, as far away from her element as it was possible to be. After all, what better way to weaken a being of water than put it in a volcano? As the brave heroes fought legions of monsters, they felt the incredible weariness of battle and the hardships of the last couple months begin to catch up with them, draining the life and will from their limbs. But they could not stop. They could not rest. The fate of Hyrule rested on their shoulders, and they would not let their kingdom down. People depended on them, and they could not fail them. Peace must return to Hyrule. It must! Their determination and hope lifted them from their despair, up to new heights of-

"Oh for the love of Din, SHUT UP!" Blue roared, wiping a bead of sweat from his face. "This is worse than the monsters!"

"I have to agree." Vio said, his hand on a nearby boulder. "The overwhelming cliché of the narration is starting to make me gag."

"Not to mention," Green said, walking over to them, "how hard it is to sneak up on a Demon from Hell when the narrator keeps screaming, 'THE HEROES ARE COMING! THE HEROES ARE COMING!'"

"Yeah, I'm not too happy either!" A red-face Red clambered over a ridge, puffing. "He keeps reminding me of how hard it is to climb this dang mountain!"

"Pshh!" Blue dismissed Red's complaint with a wave. "Stop being a baby! This isn't too hard!" Having said that, he tripped over a boulder and slammed head-first into the ground. "FRACK YOU, NARRATOR!"

Haha. That's what you get for insulting me! ANYWAY, said morons-

"Hey!"

_Fine, _gallant heroes resumed their climb up the treacherous slope of the Mountain of Doom.

"Boo! Lord of the Rings Rip-off! BOOOO!"

Shut up, Blue, or do you want to get another concussion?

"…**[BEEP] **you, narrator."

BAM! A landslide hit Blue, causing him to fall to the ground with an 'umph!'

"BLUE!" Red squealed, hurrying to his side, while Green whipped out a First-Aid kit from Nayru knows where. "MEANIE!" He yelled. "Wad'ja do that for?"

"While that was rather humorous," Vio chided gravely, "It was unnecessary and childish."

...Dang it! Leave it to Vio to cause a MAJOR guilt trip…

"Not to mention," he continued, "With one of our number incapacitated, we will have to retire for a cycle before going into the Temple of Fire."

Oops. My bad.

"Yes, it was." Green said sharply, rising from Blue's unconscious form. "If you REALLY want us to save the Golden Land of Hyrule and restore peace and hope and all that other crap, you SHOULDN'T give one of us a concussion!"

Geez, FINE! You're all so dang uptight! I was just having a little fun!

"You consider causing massive bodily harm to Blue 'fun'?" Vio said, crossing his arms.

Yes. Yes I do.

"Well," said Vio, sitting cross-legged on one of the millions of nearby boulders, "I can't argue with you there."

Woot!

"Vio!" Green reprimanded sharply. "Don't encourage him!"

Too late!

"And as for you," Green said, rounding on the Narrator (which was rather hard, since he wasn't actually there. To any passerby it would seem like he was yelling at the Mountain), "It isn't your job to interfere! You are here to tell the story, not-"

Hey! You guys started it in the-_ *RING!*_

…Hold on, guys. I've got a call.

Green looked like he was about to explode. "WHAT? NOW? You-"

SHHH! I'm on the PHONE, dangit!

Ding-dong, this is your-friendly-neighborhood-narrator! Who's this? …Oh! M-Mr. Author!

"Ha-HA!" Green cackled. "You're in for it now!"

SHUT UP! Wha-No no, not you, Sir! I was just…sorry…yeah…I get it…but sir!…hmph. Fine.

"Welllllll?" Green sang, dancing with glee. "What did the Super-Amazing-Author say?"

Hmph. Suck-up. He said that due to unnecessary and unhelpful deviations to the plot-line, I have to…apologize…to you…

"And?" Green prompted, delighted, the little **[BEEP]**, "What else?"

I have to…grant…one...wish…

"Whoopee!" Red sang, causing everyone to jump (yes, even Blue. A tremor threw his body five feet in the air. Hey, don't look at me! I didn't have anything to do with it. It was a natural geological phenomenon! Sheesh!). ANYWAY, everyone jumped, having quite forgotten that he was present, "a wish! Like, as in anything we want? _Anything?_"

…Yes...

"SWEET! I wanna marry Blue!"

"Shut up, Red!" Green smacked him. "We all know what the yaoi fangirls (and fanboys) want! NO FANSERVICE!"

Red whined, massaging his bruised head. "But this is _fan_fiction! It's all about the fans!"

Green silenced him, then brought him with a Force Fairy (that he had conveniently forgotten to use on Blue).

"I have to admit," said Vio, ignoring his companions, "This is quite a gift. But," he said, turning again to the Narrator, "I'd imagine that there are certain limitations to this boon, correct?"

Yes, actually, I can't do anything too big to change the plot. Like taking down Vaati. That would go against the Author's plans for the story even more than Blue getting a concussion. And no World Peace. And I won't make that super-hot Special Effects chick fall for you.

"Awwwww!" Red whined, "Why not?"

Because. That would make you happy. And besides, I already called dibs.

"What? No way! I saw her first!"

Puh-LEESE! I put in my claim waaaaaaay before YOU even joined the team! And besides, I've got so much more to offer than you do.

"What? That's not true!"

Oh? Can you do…THIS?

The surrounding landscape shimmered, and a clearing in the rocks was formed. Grass grew in the circle, a picnic table came into being, and the harsh mid-day sun dimmed to a dusky glow. Two glasses of wine formed, a dish of chocolate covered strawberries appearing between them. To cap the whole scene off, an invisible Frank Sinatra (& co, but who cares about them? IT'S FRANK SINATRA, BABY!) started singing softly in the background.

Ha-HA! Beat THAT, little man!

"Well," Red huffed, placing his hands on his hips, "at least she can see and TOUCH me, unlike a certain DISEMBODIED VOICE I COULD MENTION!"

Why you little-

**B****OOO****OOOOOOOOOOM**

_Cough! Cough! _What the HELL was that?

"It would seem," said Vio, disentangling disentangling himself from the rubble, "that a certain 'hot chick' doesn't like being something that can be 'dibbed.'"

A crackle of thunder followed his words in agreement with the purple-vested hero.

…Fine.

"Uh, guys? Aren't we veering just a _biiiiiiiit _off topic? Shouldn't we be discussing what we want as our wish, while the Narrator thinks hard about exactly how he's going to apologize for causing a huge pile of rocks to fall on Blue's head?" That was Green again, always got to be in charge.

But then, I suppose he's right.

Green: "I'm always right, and it's about _time _you realized that!"

Narrator: Darn, was my Mic. on?

Green: "Yep!"

Narrator: Oh, shut up!

Green: "Hee!"

Narrator: Ugh, you sound so gay.

Green: "NO FANSERVICE!"

Red: "RED!"

"BACK TO THE POINT!" Vio roared. And when Vio roars, people listen. "I'm getting tired of listening to this pointless banter! And I'm pretty sure that that Author is getting peeved at us! Remember, this is all a big delay in his plot, AND he has to type all this! Green, Red, you and I will start thinking about our wish. Narrator, as amusing as it would be to listen to you struggle for an adequate apology for starting all this, I must insist that you NOT. That would only lead to more foolishness. I will accept Blue's healing as an adequate apology."

_Meep! _Yes sir, Mr. Vio, sir! _Abra Kadabra, ALAKAZAM! By the power of Aura! _A glowing light surrounded the fallen Hero, and his injuries began to seal themselves as the blood slid off his body and melted into the ground.

Okay, Blue, wake up! Waaaaake...uuuuuup!

…

Hmm... ooh! I know what to do!

_Ahem_.

HEY LOOK LISTEN WATCH OUT HEY LOOK LI-

"NOOOOOO!" Blue screamed at the top of his lungs, startling the heroes. He jerked upright, staring around wildly. "Get away! Pest control! HELP! Oh, where's a flyswatter when you need one?"

Green chuckled. "Glad to have you back, buddy."

Blue panted, still looking around frantically. "It's not here? The little she-demon's gone?"

Green nodded. "Yep."

Red threw himself at Blue, blubbering. "BLUE! I'm-so-glad-you're-okay-oh my-goddesses-you-scared-me-I-thought-you-were-dead-and-now-you're-okay-and-I'm-just-so-happy-and-"

"RED! Gi-off me!" Blue kicked him off, and checked his ribs to make sure that Red hadn't cracked them, as he'd been known to do. His hugs were _deadly._

Vio sighed, kneading his forehead with his knuckles. "Red, do you remember that little talk we had about _personal space_?"

Red sniffed, tears still lingering in his blue eyes. "I'm sorry, I was just so scared!"

"Yeah. I get that," Blue said, wincing. He chuckled weakly and wiped some sweat from his brow. "Whew," he said, "I'm really glad that bug isn't here! That NaviDance song on YouTube is the backing track to all my nightmares..."

"Blue..." Vio frowned down at him, but he was ignored.

"Tell me about it!" Green sat himself down beside him. "I don't know _how _the Hero of Time lasted so long with her!"

"Green, I think you should stop now..." Vio warned him, looking nervously at the sky, but this comment too went unnoticed.

"I know, right? And I mean, he went _looking _for her after the end of _Ocarina of Time_- I mean, his defeat of Ganon- aw, heck with it, the Fourth Wall's already in pieces anyway. Why'd he search her out! Count your blessings, I say!"

"Guys, watch what you say!" Vio was talking loudly now, but Blue just waved him off.

"Good riddance, that's what I thought when I saw her fly away. She's the most ANNOYING thing EVAH, with her annoying call of 'HEY! LISTEN!' And I don't WANT to listen, because she's trying to tell me that I'm not going the right way to the Forest Temple, and I'm like _I'__m in the frickin' Gerudo Desert! You mean I'm going the wrong way? Really? __Gee__, Navi, __ya think?"_

"GUYS, SHUT UP!" Vio's scream startled the two heroes out of their Navi-hated rant, but it was too late.

The stage- excuse me, _land_- shook as the volcano trembled and blasted fire from deep within its core into the air around them. The heroes screamed and scattered, diving for cover, desperately trying to hide under large boulders. Anything to get away from the volcano's wrath. Fire blasted into the earth beside them, searing their hands and burning their feet. Blue's hat caught on fire and he wrenched it off, patting it down desperately. Eventually the bombing ceased, and the heroes looked around. Words were seared into the earth by the streaks of fire, and the heroes had to turn around a few times to see what they said.

Red clambered on top of a boulder to get a better look at the message. "It says; **Navi ****was awesomely sweet ****for the Hero of Time. Next time, I won't miss.** ** Sincerely,** **The** **Author.**" He paused. "**Duh.**"

Green folded his arms. "What do you mean, 'duh?'"

Red looked round at him, grinning weakly. "No, it actually says, 'duh.'"

Vio rolled his eyes. "Well who else COULD it be from?"

Okay, for our own safety, I think we should nix the Navi-bashing. As fun as it is, I like living.

"Awww!" Red started whining, disappointed, "there's so much humor there!"

Everyone stared at him, surprised.

Green looked at first him, then Vio, then back again, bemused. "I thought you loved Navi? You two were having so much fun last week, when we visited the Author!"

Blue grimaced. "I thought we all agreed to never speak of those times again..."

Red nodded. "Yeah, I love Navi."

Green started to speak, then stopped. He tried again. "Huh?"

Red shrugged. "I love Navi personally, but this is a humor fic. We make fun of everything. _Everything. _If it's funny (and semi-appropriate), we're right there. And there's so much potential for comedy with her."

Vio raised both his eyebrows. He showed emotion. Rare, that. "That's surprisingly well thought out, Red. I'm impressed. And a little worried, are you feeling okay?"

Red looked at him. "I feel great! Why?" He noticed Green staring at him too. "What? Do I have something on my face?" His hands flew up to cover his nose. "There's a booger, I know it!"

Green stepped forward. "Red..."

Red staggered back, hiding his face. "No! Bill, don't look at me! I'm 'ideous!"

Green stopped. "Bill?"

Vio rolled his eyes. "Harry Potter reference."

"Ah." Green turned to Red. "So you're saying you have no memory of ranting just now?"

Red stopped frantically wiping his face and looked up. "What? About the boogers?"

"I'll take that as a 'no.'"

Vio frowned, thinking. After a few quiet minutes, Red pulled out a lightbulb and held it over his head.

Wait, isn't this set in medieval times?

Red shrugged. "A little late to be worrying about the Fourth Wall, isn't it?" And having said that, he lifted his right hand and clicked the bulb on.

"Ah-ha!" Vio cried, punching his hand. "I've got it!"

"What? Got what? My booger?"

"Red," Green said quietly, "stop with the booger thing. We've moved on."

"Sorry."

"A-HEM!" Vio glared at them. "I just had a classic 'aha!' moment, and you're all talking about nose drippings?"

Green and Red stared shamefully at their shoes. "Sorry, Vio," they chorused together.

"ANYWAY, I believe the Author was using you, Red, to rant. In this case, he was saying that he would bash on anyone and anything if it was funny. And Navi was funny. His intervention was funny. You were his conduit, if you will, a way to tell us this in a way much less intrusive than fire blazing forth from the heavens."

Red pointed to himself. "Me? A conduit for the Author?"

Vio nodded sagely. "Yes. It's quite an honor, actually. But don't worry," he added, seeing Red's panicked expression, "it won't happen very often. And he does it with all of us anyway, just to a lesser degree. He will be literally be speaking through you. Besides, if it really bothers you, don't worry. He'll probably forget about it until he writes himself into a corner later on in the story."

Methinks I smell a foreshadowing...

"So... I'm like a prophet?"

"I suppose so. If you want to think of it that way."

Red stopped to consider this. After a few seconds, he asked, "do I get to ride around on a golden flaming chariot and make lots of money?"

Vio coughed. "Ah, no. I'm afraid not."

"Oh." Red looked disappointed. "What's it good for, if not for getting the three basic necessities of life? I WANT A REFUND!"

Green tilted his head. "And what are the three basic necessities of life? Remember Red, keep it PG!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Red looked at Green as if he had three heads. "An epicly sweet ride, endless amounts of Chinese Food, and all the old Marvel and DC comics ever made. Before they got icky and confusing. What did you think I'd say?"

"Oh, nothing." Green sighed, relieved. "I was sure you would say 'food, sleep, and-"

"GREEN!" Vio tossed a Bob-omb into his mouth to shut him up before he killed the rating.

_Tick..._

Blue turned to Vio. "Wait, aren't those things Mario territory? Is this a Crossover now?"

_Ticktocktick..._

"Hm?" Vio didn't look away from Green's frantic efforts to dislodge the bob-omb that was rapidly counting down to detonation. "Oh, no, it's just what I had in my hand at the time."

_Tickitytockitytickitytockity..._

Red looked at Vio's hands. He had been looking at those hands just a minute before, and he was pretty sure there hadn't been a Bob-omb there... right? Or was there... this hurt his brain...

_TiktoktiktoktiktoktiktokBOOM!_

A soot-blackened Green stood in the middle of a cloud of smoke, his now frizzily black hair standing on end, frozen. He stood there for a few seconds, then keeled over.

Blue looked down at Green's fallen form. "Hm. I _should _be concerned, but... I really just want to finish up this conversation and get on with the story."

Vio nodded. "I'm with you there, buddy. So, what's left in this topic?"

Red frowned. "Hmm... oh! I know! How on EARTH did you get a Mario prop?"

Vio fidgeted shiftily, looking at the dirt on his boots. "I don't want to talk about it..." he mumbled.

"But," Blue persisted doggedly, "we're LEGEND OF ZELDA! Why would you be ANYWHERE near," he spat the next word, "_Mario's _set?"

Vio mumbled something about it not being any of Blue's business.

"Were you sneaking around there, sabotaging them? I hear they're making a new 'Galaxy II' game, is that why?"

At the mention of 'Galaxy II,' Vio began to do the unthinkable. He _blushed._

Blue began to grin, "or... was it to see someone?"

Vio's blush deepened. "It...it is of none of your concern, Blue."

Red squealed. "It is, isn't it! Who is she, Vio? It isn't," he gasped, "PEACH, is it?"

Blue gagged. "Red, don't say that! Vio would never-"

He stopped, and turned towards Vio. "You wouldn't, would you? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, man, that's just _wrong_."

"Yeah, Vio! Mario'll KILL you!"

For the first time since the Mario Set was brought up, Vio scoffed. "Please. I'd like to see him try. He can, what, jump? Over and over again? I have a sword, a shield, the Triforce of Courage, a bow and quiver full of arrows, and three teammates who all have different items. I'd like to see him _try _to hurt me."

"Not like that, dude, he'd ruin you!" Blue shook Vio's shoulders. "He's got a _massive _fan following, and he's the Nintendo mascot! Besides, Peach?" He made a face. "Stupid little bi-oitch..."

Vio shook him off. "It is irrelevant."

Blue looked like he was about to explode. "OF COURSE IT'S RELEVANT!"

"No," Vio cut him off calmly, "it's irrelevant because it's not Peach."

Blue stopped mid-scream. "Oh."

Red shook his head, confused. "Well, then, if it's not Peach, then who is it? There aren't too many females on the 'Galaxy' set, unless it's a crew member-" he stopped, and glared at Vio. "It isn't a crew member, is it? Because you know the rule on CC X OC relationships!"

"I know, I know, they can't happen." Vio rolled his eyes and began to recite in a learned-by-heart textbook voice. In other words, his normal voice (inspired by his secret crush: Hermione [shhh!]). "Canon Characters must not, under any circumstances, be in a romantic story-long relationship with an OC. Except in extraordinary cases."

"Name one."

"Easy. _Sacred Hearts and Fallen Angels._"

"Aww," Red sighed softly, "that story's so cute..."

"My point exactly."

Blue glared at Vio. "No. OC. Hookups."

"She isn't an OC, don't worry." Vio assured them, looking uncomfortable.

"Well, then, who-"

I think we've had enough of this now. Blue, unless you want to be the unfortunate victim of yet another (completely random) geological phenomenon, I suggest you shut up.

Blue and Red stopped interrogating Vio (much to the hero's relief) at this, and shut their traps long enough to listen (shocker, I know). Blue in particular straightened, wincing as he massaged his head. He didn't want to go through that anytime soon.

Listen, guys, we're just wasting time here! Now, I'm not going to heal Green, because I was only supposed to do one healing, but I can switch his state with someone else's. Something tells me you want your leader with you when you decide what you want your wish to be. You need to choose someone to switch places with Green.

Vio stepped forward. "I nominate Blue."

Before the blue hero had time to blink, he was on the ground unconscious, and Green was standing upright, looking very confused.

"Wha?"

Vio shushed him. "Don't start."

Now that I have your attention, have y'all decided on your wish yet? Everyone looked to Vio, who, after all, was the most qualified to decide what great treasure would be granted to the party.

Vio stepped forward calmly. "Yes, I believe I have."

Well?

"I suppose it would be too much to ask for something that would immediately analyze every opponent we came across?"

Yep. That would make the Boss Battles waaaay too easy.

"I thought as much." Vio said bitterly. "Well then, I'm going to have to throw caution to the winds, and trust the power of the wish."

You lost me.

Vio raised his arms to the heavens, and cried out in a loud voice, "I wish for something that has enormous power to aid us on our quest, but would still provide enough material for the Author to work with without getting bored!"

**DO YOU ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS WISH? **

"Cool voice!"

Thanks Red! It's my professional, awe inspiring POWER voice (not to be confused with the Author's voice. If it confuses your tiny minds, this is **bold**. His is **bold **and underlined. At the **same **time, which I can't do because he'd kill me). Ahem.

**DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WHATEVER COMES ABOUT BECAUSE OF THIS WISH IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY? ONCE THIS WISH IS MADE, IT CANNOT BE UNDONE. DO YOU ACCEPT THESE TERMS?**

"We do!" Vio stated firmly.

Green nodded, determined that they could handle whatever was about to happen.

Red cowered. Something bad was going to happen. He could feel it.

**VERY WELL! BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME…**

Light began to swirl around a point in space…

**BY THE SUPREME POWER OF THE SUPER-AWESOME-AUTHOR-DUDE…**

(Hey, don't look at me like that. It's in my contract! Sheesh!)

**I GRANT TO YOU, THE FOUR WHO ARE ONE…**

"Ugh, so dramatic!"

"Can it!"

The light began to coalesce into a form, but what it was, the Heroes couldn't tell.

…**YOUR WISH! **

The light flared, and the Heroes threw their hands in front of their eyes to protect them from the blinding light. When it faded, they warily lowered their hands to see a breathtaking sight.

-END OF CHAPTER ONE-

Me: Hee guiz! Whassup? Did you liiiiiiike?

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Earth to Author? Hello?

Me: Huuuu!

Blue: _Smack!_ Get it together, A-hole!

Me: Aholay? Who's aholay?

Vio: -_-;

Red: Ooh, can I be Aholay? Can I Blue? Can I? Can I? Pweeeeease?

Blue: NO! _Smack! _Bring on the Author's Notes!

Me: Okay, okay! At the risk of being hit again, I welcome you, the reader, to the first installment of Cliches. This has been something I've been working on for a while now (don't worry. I don't ditch my stories), and I finally feel that it's ready for publishing!

Blue: *eyeroll* Translation: his girlfriend threatened him that if he didn't get his lazy arse on the couch and upload this story she would sneak into his room at night and leave hickeys all over his face.

Red: Ooh, sounds yummy! I want a hickey! Can I have I hickey, Blue, can I? Pweeeease?

Blue: O.O

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Anger. Where's Green?

Me: I'm too lazy to write him in...

Blue: ...

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Is that all you do?

Vio: -_-;

Me: ...Vio?

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Um, what's wrong with Vio?

Me: All will be made clear... in time... *_cough cough foreshadowing cough cough*_

Blue: Ohhhh, someone's over at the Mario Galaxy set? Making the stars shine a little brighter, eh? *_nudge* _Eh? *_eyebrow waggle*_

Red: Nobody can waggle their eyebrows like you, Blue!

Blue: Awww, thanks!

Green: NO FANSERVICE! D8 _Slash! Slash! BOOOOM!_

Girlfriend: Slash? Did someone say slash? I'm there, baby! w00t!

Me: SHH! You're not in the story yet! Shoo! Get out, shoo!

Girlfriend: Sheesh, so pushy! But that's okay. I like it when you're pushy *_eyebrow waggle*_

Me: Methinks it's time to end this Author's Notes...

Red: Not as good as Blue's waggler! *cough review cough*

Girlfriend: Awwww... so cute... *cough review cough*

Blue: SHUT UP! He's mine... mwa-hahaha... wait, what? *cough review cough*

Girlfriend: :P Hooray for hacking! *cough review cough*

Me: END AUTHOR'S NOTES! END AUTHOR'S NOTES! *cough review cough*


	2. To cliché, or not to cliché?

Previously on C_lichés_

_ The Narrator failed. Blue was Blue. The Narrator hurt Blue. Green yelled at the Narrator. The Narrator healed Blue. The team bashed Navi. The Author attacked them with fiery comets of doom. The team stopped bashing Navi. The Narrator granted them one wish. Red wished to marry Blue. Green whacked him before he could finish his sentence. Red's wish was grammatically incorrect, so the Narrator ignored it. Vio wished for something that would help them without having the Author get bored. The Author was thankful. He doesn't like being bored. There was the standard flash of light, and we enter into..._

**Chapter Two**

**To cliché, or not to cliché? **

A woman stood where the light had once been, and all other thoughts were driven from the boys' minds. She was beautiful beyond the lot of mortals, with features that vaguely resembled those of Princess Zelda's. But Zelda's beauty paled in comparison. The two's beauty were so ill-matched that it was like comparing a candle-flame to the most radiant star. She had bright, golden hair that shimmered in the light, and deep, sapphire eyes that shone with kindness and wisdom. Her lips were red as rubies-

"Rupees are green, stupid!"

SHUT UP, RED!

-her cheekbones were high, and her ears were pointed to magnificent tips. Her hair was in simple free-fall, but she needed no elaborate designs to look like Aphrodite. Her dress was form-fitting, with a low cut, but not low enough to cause a scandal, and the radiance of her dress was second only to her smile, which shone like a beacon of hope to all who saw it.

"'Ello." She said, in the most exquisite French accent you could imagine, "I am Minerva, Angel of Light, 'ope, and Love, and 'ze Guardian of 'Eroes. _Peur sans plus, car je suis ici._"

The three heroes (and yours truly) could do nothing but gape at her, until-

"Aw, what the HELL IS THIS?" Blue!

Everyone turned, and Red rushed to envelop his friend in a rib-cracking hug. "BLUE!" He cried. "I was so scared!"

"I...I smell... FANSERVICE!" Green started swinging his sword around randomly, cutting all the grass around him in a vain attempt to find the Narrator. Then he found a silver rupee, and he forgot all about killing the Narrator. BUT, it wouldn't fit in his wallet and, drawing from Twilight Princess, he wasn't allowed to fill his wallet and leave the rest behind. "FFFFFFFFFFFFFF-"

CENSORED!

"DANG IT RED, GET THE HECK OFF ME!" Blue said, his voice muffled, and Red withdrew slightly. "Stop _doing _that! Ugh, I'm fine, really! But would someone PLEASE explain what the HELL is going on?" He glared at the woman.

Well…sorry guys, but your wish was so vague, and you wanted someone to help you, so-

"So I came." The woman, Minerva, interjected (quite rudely, too, but seeing as how she was a super hot model Angel chick, I suppose I can let it slide. This time).

"I 'eard your cry, and answered it, for I 'ave been watching you for a very long time..."

I'm not sure if that's comforting, or just plain creepy.

"Quiet, Narrator, or I will make the fan-girls start shipping you with TINGLE!"

GASP! You wouldn't!

"Oh yes I would!" She said, waggling her body like the wannabe she was.

Far away, in a land called Japerica, a tween girl sat at a desk watching a Legend of Zelda yaoi video on Youtube. She paused the video, thinking, 'Hm. Narrator X Tingle... Ningle! New OTP! This... this could work! MWA-HA-HA-HA!' She immediately went to a LoZ fan-girl forum where the fan-girls decide who they'll ship next. Millions of fan-girls across Japerica began writing smutty fanfic and drawing fanart supporting the ship. In each fanart, _**Tingle was topping.**_

NOOOOOOOOO - OOO- OOOOOOOO- OOOOOOO- OOOOO- OOOOO- OOOOOO- OOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOO- - OOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- OOOOOOO- OOOOOO- OOO!

Green shook his head. "Wow, Narrator, I didn't know you swung that way!"

I DON'T! WHERE'S A GEOLOGICAL PHENOMENON WHEN YOU NEED ONE!

Red piped up. "Oh, now that you're _that way, _you only have rainbow powers!"

Rainbows began to pop up all over Hy- WHAT! Wait, why do you think that I'm _that way? _

"Simple! I saw it on Deviant Art!" Green held up his iPad. "Your pairing is the most supported all across Japerica! It's all over FanFic.net! More people support it than the classic RedXBlue pairing!"

"Drat! I have competition!" Red smacked his knee. "I'll have to work harder from now on! Oh BLUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!"

Blue threw his hands up. "Wait, what?"

Vio started smacking his head his head against a rock. "I'm not in a Fanfiction! I'm not in a Fanfiction! I'm not in a Fanfiction!"

Green patted him on the back. "Remember what the therapist told you, Vio! Deep breaths, IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT!"

"I'M NOT IN LABOR! THIS ISN'T M-PREG!"

Green grinned, holding up a pregnancy test. "This one came out _purple!_"

Vio screamed. "I NEED TO GET OUT OF HERE!" He clicked his heels together furiously. "There's no place like Harvard, there's no place like Harvard, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HARVARD!" He started sobbing. "WHY ISN'T IT WORKING!"

One my happy-happy rainbows landed nearby, and Tingle came riding it on a shiny unicorn covered in glitter, dressed in a wedding tuxedo holding a dress, with a ring in one hand. Ready to propose- NOOOO!

Tingle knelt down, and violins played in the background. "Oh Narrator, you're the only one for me! Let me put my Force Gems in your Pot 'o Gold at the end of the rainbow of our love!"

Rainbows began popping up furiously.

"Why love, I didn't know you were so _ready_!"

NO NO NO NONO NONO NONO NO! THIS IS SO WRONG! THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FRIGGIN G RATED FIC! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE AUTHOR!

The Sue's just standing there, upset that everyone's turning homo around her, and thus losing interest in her.

Red walks up to her. "Hey Sue, do you like Zelda? It says so on my iPad!"

Minerva screamed. "THIS IS TOO MUCH! THAT'S IT, I'M SENDING US BACK TO THE BEGINNING!"

In the beginning, there was Shigeru Miyamoto, and he-

"NOT THAT FAR BACK!"

In the beginning, God created the world and said, "Let there be Legend of Zelda!" And there was Legend of Zelda. And He saw that it was awesome. Then He created the characters, and saw that they were awesome. And then Ganon came along and created _yaoi fangirls_. And God said, "Um, okay! Free will and all, I guess..."

Then God went and got himself a DeviantArt account, and saw all of the yaoi smut pics on it. "GAH! MY EYES! IT BURNS!"

Din walked up, holding an iPad opened to a Link X Dark Link yaoi forum. "I know, right? ISN'T IT AWESOME? I HEREBY PROCLAIM MYSELF THE GODDESS OF YAOI! Oh, and by the way..." she turned to Ganon. "I TOLD you to use protection, but nooooo... so guess what? I'm pregnant. It's yours. And she will be... THE GODDESS OF MARY-SUES!"

And God looked at His creations and said, "Crap. What did I just DO?" He looked around, seeing the many crack fics and yaoi pairings, and said, "That's it, I'M OUTTA HERE!"

And the Author paused in his typing, saying, "I'm so going to Hell." He mwa-ha-ha-ha-d all cliché like and continued typing.

Minerva wiped a tear from her eye. "Ahh, and that's how my parents had me! Romantic, eh?"

The characters and Minerva stood by Death Mountain, all woozy from their time-traveling jaunt. Even though they all remembered what had happened, they were the same people they were BEFORE they turned gay.

The Author's voice came ringing down from the Heavens, his words lit by long strands of glowing fire. Each letter was written down all-fancy like, and the characters and the Sue and my awesomeness waited with bated breath to hear the divine reason for the previous seven pages of horror.

"**HEY GUIIIZ!11111 WHASSSUP? SRY, BUT I WAS DRRRRRINKING WITH M****AH**** GIRLIE WHEN I WROTE THAT PART... SWEET, HUH? SO, YAH, GO BACK TO BEING NON-HOMO, 'K? I'M NOT GONNA GO BACK AND FIX IT (MOSTLY B/C IT'S ****LOLZY-FUL**** AND I HAVE A MASSIVE HANGOVER- OK, I'M JUST LAZY), SO DON'T COMPLAIN****!****1111**** OR YOU'LL SEE WHERE ****THE SUE GETS HER SADISTIC STREAK FROM!****11**** MMMMGHGH... HEAD HURTS... LATER DUDES... OW...**

Sigh. This is the person who engineers our fates... Hyrule is doomed...

Vio snorted. "Forget Hyrule, what about US?"

"Best not to think about it," Green said.

Okay, um, Minerva appeared, bla bla bla, here we go. TAKE TWO, PEOPLE!

"'Ello." Minerva said, shortly after wasting a whole a page describing how much of a Barbie babe she was, "I am Minerva, Angel of Light, 'ope, and Love, and 'ze Guardian of 'Eroes. _Peur sans plus, car je suis ici._"

The three heroes (and yours truly) could do nothing but gape at her, until-

"Aw, what the HELL IS THIS?" Blue!

Everyone turned, and Red rushed to envelop his friend in a rib-cracking hug. "BLUE!" He cried. "I was so scared!"

"NO FANSERVICE!" Green lopped off Red's head and brought him back with another Force Fairy.

Meanwhile, Vio committed suicide. Then Green brought him back with a Force Fairy. "FRACK IT GREEN! WHY?"

"NOT AGAIN! Get... OFF!" Blue threw Red into a nearby boulder. Green pulled out another Force Fairy. "Where in the hell are you getting all these Force Fairies from?"

Vio moaned. "I wish Green would stop pulling all these Force Fairies out of his **[BEEEEEEP]**."

Red tilted his head. "Why? They like it there!"

Suddenly, in Japerica, a new pairing was sweeping the nation. It was called... FORCE GREARIES!

This time, Green committed suicide, but all of his Force Fairies brought him back.

Vio sighed. "I will take it upon myself to be the designated plot-mover and say what was SUPPOSED to be Blue's line, because he looks a little busy keeping Red off him-"

"NO FANS-"

"SHUT UP, GREEN! Anyway, I will say his line. Ahem. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

Well…sorry guys, but your wish was so vague, and you wanted someone to help you, so-

"So I came." The woman, Minerva, interjected (quite rudely, too, but seeing as how she was a super hot model Angel chick, I suppose I can let it slide. This time).

"I 'eard your cry, and answered it, for I 'ave been watching you for a very long time."

STALKER!

"Quiet, Narrator, or I shall have to punish you!"

Ah... no Tingle reference. I'm telling you, I am scarred for LIFE! Three decades doing this gig across all of the Legend of Zelda 'verse, and NOTHING has disturbed me more! Heck, even an M-rated MarioXLink crossover didn't faze me! I'll never look at rainbows the same way again...

Oh, sorry. Are we still rolling? Oh, right. _Ahem_. OMG, she's _such _a witch. Capital B, right? Chiyah!

She cleared her throat. "As I was saying, you called for ze most powerful ting," and here she wrinkled her nose in what was supposed to be an adorable way but just ended up making her look like she failed to sniff it all up, "to aid you on your quest, without being an obvious _deus ex machina. _So, 'ere I am."

Yeah, because a One Dimensional Goddess suddenly appearing from thin-air to accompany the Heroes definitely wasn't adeus ex machin_aaaah_.

"I said be quiet, Narrator, or I shall 'ave to punish you!" She cried, looking quite terrible in her rage.

"So…" Blue again.

Thank the Goddesses ("You're welcome," Minerva sniffed) that he turned that witch's attention away from me. Said witch is glaring at me ferociously, so, not wanting to be reunited with Tingle, I hastened to continue describing Blue.

The azure hero had by now propped himself up on his elbow, and seemed to have reached a certain, horrifying conclusion. "So you're telling me," he said, his voice rising with every word, "That now we're stuck with a friggin MARY-SUE?"

…Unfortunately, yes.

My pronouncement led to a stream of unprintable profanities, and Green was swearing with him, while Red just had a look of speechless horror on his face, and Vio gave up on his dream of suicide, instead opting for a lot of happy pills and some pot that he bought off Tingle. "Oh, Gods above!" Red whispered. "Not another one!"

Green turned to Vio, smacking away his happy pills and pot- ("PG, Vio, PG!" "FRACK IT GREEN!). "You didn't happen to keep the receipt for that wish, did you?" He asked hopefully.

Vio shook his head, staring mournfully at the pills and pot floating away down the mountain on the breeze. "No… and you know the rules… we agreed to accept the consequences of that wish…"

"So it's YOUR FAULT!" Blue roared, rounding on Vio, who nodded miserably, secretly hoping that Blue would just bash his head with his hammer and end his misery.

"No, it's not," said Green, stepping between the two. "That was the best wish we could have asked for, Vio, and you couldn't have possibly known how it was going to have turned out."

Oh guys, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen, it just…happened! Like a genie, they don't intend for the wishes to come out the way they do (though it is really funny), the wishes just have a mind of their own!

"It's okay." Green said tiredly, as if the reality of the situation was closing in on him. "You couldn't have known either. You were just trying to help." Even to him, the words sounded mechanical. Forced.

"_Excusez-moi!_" Minerva said, tapping her foot in annoyance, "but I'm standing right 'ere! And what 'ez this talk about me being a burden? I have great power-"

And an even greater ego-

"All that is Light and Good behind me-"

Ugh, how cliché-

"And beauty beyond the lot of mortals!"

Yeah, and how many supernatural nips and tucks did you have to get to have that hourglass figure?

Blue whistled appreciatively. The Narrator had guts. Not for long, though, judging by the look on the Sue's face.

"That's 'eet! I've had enough of you, Narrator! To Hell with you!"

Yeah, and what are you gonna-

…

…

...

"Much better! _Enfin, certains tranquille! _I swear, 'e was really getting on my nerves! And as I am an Angel of Light that is very difficult to do!"

"Narrator? Narrator? Farore, she killed the Narrator!"

"SHE WHAT? Din's Eye, how are we supposed to finish our quest now?"

"Well, she is a Mary-Sue, maybe she can do something!"

"Why would she help, she killed him!"

"For your information, I did not kill 'eem, I sent 'eem to Hell! _Obtenez votre faits droite! _There's a difference!"

"Yeah, sure."

"There IS, actually."

"Oh? What is it?"

"A dead person- in other words, a soul, cannot return from the Evil Realm. But since he isn't dead-"

"But isn't the Narrator a disembodied voice? Isn't he just a soul?"

"…Oh yeah…"

"So the Sue killed him! DEATH TO THE SUE!"

"Stop calling me Sue! _Ce n'est pas mon nom!_ My name is Minerva, Angel of Light and-"

"SHUT UP! Everyone, quiet! …Better! Sue, or Minerva, or whatever, you need to bring the Narrator back!"

"Why should I? 'E is a pain 'een the arse! _Ennuyeux un con!_"

"Maybe, but he's OUR pain 'eeeeeen the arse! Plus, he's kinda necessary."

"Yeah, we need him to describe the scene for all the Readers! Nothing but dialogue for more than a few pages is a real pain!"

"If you don't bring him back, we can't save the Maiden of Water, we can't rescue Zelda, and we CAN'T stop Vaati and save Hyrule!"

"Put it this way. If you do not help, the Author will take you out of the story for messing with his plans."

"'E wouldn't! _Comme si! _I am a Goddess!"

"Not for long, if you don't help us."

"…I suppose I have no choice."

"YES! Bring on the-"

"But wait! _Bien sur_! I cannot believe that I did not think of 'eet sooner! I can be the Narrator!"

"What? You can't-"

"Of course I can! _C'est insultant! _Anything that idiot can do, I can do better!"

"But how? You're not an annoying disembodied voice from the ceiling- I mean, sky!"

"I do not need to be! I shall use my Powers of Light to focus the story on ME, the most important character!"

"No wait!"

"_J'appelle les pouvoirs en moi, de laisser le focus de l'histoire sur moi!"_

_-HHHH-OOOO-OMMMM HUGE STORY CHANGE HHHHOO- OOOOOM-MMM-MMM-_

_Bien mieux_! I look around, beaming radiantly, ready for my companions to shower me with praise for my ingenious idea. They were frozen to the spot, probably with awe, poor things.

Vio was the first to speak up. "So…so now the story is being told through the Sue…"

I narrowed my eyes slightly. I would have to speak to them about that name. I was _not_ a Sue. I was a developed, three dimensional being of Purity and Light. Sues were shallow and cliché. No one _else _had my flawless skin, or my lustrous golden hair, or a voice that could calm the wildest beast!

"Yeah, I'm sure." Blue said, rolling his eyes.

Hmm… it seems that the characters can 'ear everything I think.

"Yep."

This is joyous news indeed! _C'est magnifique! _Maybe, if the Heroes could 'ear my thoughts, they would realize that I was a complex character! Behind me, I could 'ear one of them groan. They would learn. And besides, who wouldn't want to 'ear my thoughts!

"Us, for a start." Vio said quietly. "At any rate, we should get going."

Could I have an ally?

"No, it's just that the Maiden of Water is getting the life drained from her as we speak."

How could I have forgotten that? _J'ai honte! _The poor girl, suffering in that 'orrid crystal! She must be praying for my 'elp at this moment, if only that crystal did not block 'er prayers!

"We must go save her!" I cried heroically. We started to 'ead up the Mountain. The Temple shouldn't be too far…

"But…" We turned. It was Red, looking slightly confused. "What about the Narrator? He's stuck in the Evil Realm, shouldn't we do something?"

Aww, he cares for the less fortunate and needy! That's so cute!

"There's nothing we can do, Red." Green placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "To get him out, either the Sue-"

"Minerva!"

"Either _the Sue_ lets him out, or the Author forces her to. And option number one definitely isn't going to happen," he looked at me for confirmation.

I nodded. That _morceau de merde_ had insulted my hair! He deserved 'ees punishment.

"No he didn't!" Red interjected.

"'E was going to." I responded.

"And how do you know?" He countered, his hands on his hips. "Can you see the future or something?"

"Yes, actually, I can." I smiled, sure that nothing could be said to counter this.

"Alright, then," said Vio, "tell me this."

I waited, ready to delve into my Goddess powers.

"What will the Author do when he gets annoyed with writing that fake French accent in the narrative?"

Stunned silence. Blue whooped and clapped Vio on the back. "Yeah Vio! Hit 'er right where it hurts the most!" He jumped up, his hand held high, waiting for Vio to high-five him. When Vio merely looked at him, he cleared his throat and put his hand behind his head in awkwardness.

I opened my mouth several times, then shut it. Not because I didn't know. I knew everything. Just because what my powers showed me wasn't very pretty. Maybe I should drop the accent… for the sake of the quest, of course.

"Of course." Vio said, smirking.

Hmph. No wonder the Narrator kept attacking them. The Heroes can be quite the annoyance.

"So why don't you just spare yourself a lot of pain and leave?" Green asked hopefully.

"Not likely!" I responded.

"Guys, about the Narrator." We all turned to Vio. "I don't know why, but I think he's happier this way." He cleared his throat, and looked at his shoes. "Lucky little **[CENSORED]**, I know I'd be..."

Meanwhile, in the depths of Hell, the Narrator was relaxing in a hot spring. "Ahhhh, peace and quiet... finally." He accepted a mai tai from a passing demon. "No psychotic Blue, no ditsy Red, no suicidal Vio, no holier-than-thou Green, no Sue, and most of all, I'm finally away form that creep Tingle. Bliss..."

Then... out of the darkness, came a single cry. Echoed by a multitude of voices from beyond the light's reach, came... "_Tingle! Tingle! Koloo-__limpah!_ Ohhhh Narrator!"

"...crap..."

Red tilted his head slightly. "Really? Why?"

Vio glared at him. "Because he's away from us. Personally... I envy him."

Red hugged him. "I'm sure that's not true!"

"I hate my life..."

And so we continued in this vein for some time, the (quote-unquote) Heroes bickering like schoolchildren. I tried to intervene, but they kept turning on me like I was the one doing something wrong! I was a being of Light and Purity, I could do nothing wrong!

"Keep telling yourself that." Vio said, rolling his eyes.

He really ought to show more respect for a Goddess.

"I thought you were an Angel?" Blue inquired innocently.

As if. Nothing about him is innocent.

"Yeah, why do you keep calling yourself a Goddess?" Red said, tilting his head slightly. I could never get angry at Red; he's just too cute!

"Thanks…I think…" he mumbled, blushing.

Awwwww…

"To answer your question," I said, "an Angel is my job. I am, first and foremost, a Goddess."

"So what do you do?" Green asked. A legitimate question, for once.

"I ferry the prophetic dreams of the Goddesses to their champions, and watch over all heroes. I am the nudge in the right direction, the gut feeling trademark in all heroes, the-"

"Okay, okay, we get it! Sheesh! He didn't ask for your life story, he just asked what you did for a living!"

Blue. You'd think they would be more grateful! How many times have I saved their lives? Plenty! They would be bloody piles of monster meat by now if it weren't for me! And how do they thank me? Do they bow down and adore me, as they should? Nooo, they make sarcastic comments! They make fun of my job! I protect people for a living! This is a _good _thing!

"Yeah, yeah, you are the embodiment of light, hope, purity, and all that jazz. You watch over newborn infants, young maidens, and anyone who sticks up for themselves. You abhor evil, nastiness, and probably have some obscure (yet awesome) Japanese ninja weapon hidden only Nayru- doesn't- want- to- know- where in that form fitting low-cut prom dress. You're better at fighting than any of us could ever hope to be, and probably have unmatched magical skills. Have I missed anything?" Green crossed his arms, waiting for my response.

"T-this isn't important! Every second we spend here is a second wasted! We have to go save that poor Maiden!" Must…change…topic!

"As much as it pains me to agree with a Sue," said Vio quietly, "she's right. We have to keep moving. For Hyrule!"

Red took up the cheer, punching the air with his fist. "For Hyrule!"

"For Hyrule." I agreed quietly.

But, I wondered, as our heroic group (and Blue) journeyed up the Mountain, could we fight the advancing darkness? Could we save the Maiden of Water? I, of course, could not interfere too much (this was, after all, their story), and without my help, could they triumph over the evil that was Vaati?

I looked over at my companions. Sure, they looked determined and strong willed, but they were not as powerful (or gorgeous) as I was. Would they be able to win? I thought of the legions of monsters that we would definitely meet. The poor things… they were already exhausted! What cruel a mistress Fate was, to force three young and innocent children (and Blue) into such a situation! I felt my heart bleed for them, and for all of Hyrule. Tears stung my eyes as I thought of these poor children involved in actual combat.

Then a thought hit me. It was so horrifying, so heart-stoppingly awful, that I began to hyperventilate. What if…_what if _during one of the monster battles, I broke a nail?  
>"Heaven forbid that happens." Three guesses at who said that with an eye-roll.<p>

"I don't know what we'll do without your help." Blue said snidely, deciding to ignore the nail part, "because we definitely haven't been doing this for years."

"Don't worry!" Red said brightly, before I could respond to this uncalled for outburst. "We'll be fine!"

"And about being forced into this…" Vio said quietly, "remember that we chose this. We didn't have to draw the Four Sword. We did it because we wanted to. No one made us. We did it to save our friend."

"And Hyrule!" Red said brightly.

"Yes." Vio consented, a small smile curling his lips. "That too."

That…that was just…so…CUTE! That was absolutely ADORABLE! _Sniff_. I'm gonna cry, that was so touching… the poor kids don't even realize what they lost in agreeing to pick up the sword… a normal childhood… gone forever...

"Pffft." Blue sat down and began sharpening his sword with a whetstone. "Normal is overrated."

-END OF CHAPTER TWO-

YA! YA! OO-RA-RA! Chapter two is finally out! Hooray! *cheers* Yeah... umm...

First off: When I had my girlfriend over, I had her look over the French parts. She busted her gut laughing. There's an indent on the red rug where she hit the floor. I don't know why. By the time she finished laughing, our ADHD/short term memory loss brains forgot all about the story. We ate ice cream! ^_^ Chocolate (duh!)

"You used Google Translator, didn't you?"

...no... *thumb twiddle* ...not Google Translator...

So... if anyone could tell me what's so funny wid' ma 'France-uaaah', it would be 'mucho appreciated-o.' Oh, wait... that's el espanola. Nvr mind. ^_^

See ya later!

~Quill

P.S. Review! Or else I will construct an OC wid YOUR name on it, and have da SUE give you a total makeover (a fate worse than death...)! Yes... even you, miscellaneous male moogles... even you... MWA-HAHAHAAHA! {:

P.P.S. Yeah, if anyone could help me with mah eeeevil face, that be good too... *chuckles at brilliant plan to force a review from unwilling readers' fingertips*


	3. Vanity, thy name is Sue

**Hey guiz! So, yaaah, this is mah first storii, read and review, mk? No flames!11 Hope u like ti after teh last AWSEOME chappie! LOL! ****^_^ **

Chapter Three

Vanity, thy name is Sue

The Temple of Fire was a marvel of Ancient Architecture. After all, I did help design it. But, there was just a _wee_ too much red for my liking. I mean, just because this place was called the _Temple of Fire _didn't mean it had to be colored all red and orange-y. So unoriginal. I mean, would some bright pink hurt anyone? Or maybe blue, it would contrast _so _nicely. Not to mention it would go well with my eyes. But no. Red, red, and more red. And surprise, surprise, this place was full of fire! And fire equaled heat. Sweat matted my companions' foreheads, but not mine. Oh, no. I would _not _suffer such an indignity.

"How," asked Red, panting, "how are you not sweating?"

I smiled brightly at him. "Oh, my status as an Angel makes me immune to all worldly discomforts."

"Like sweat?"

"Yes. Like sweat."

"But," he questioned, "aren't you dying from the heat then?" I raised my eyebrows slightly in confusion. "Well, ya'see," he said confidently, "Vio told me that we sweat because it helps us deal with heat!"

"Really?" He was just SO CUTE.

"Yeah!" He proclaimed happily. "He said that if we didn't sweat, we would die of heat! So sweat is a _good _thing."

Vio smiled. "I have to say, Red. I'm impressed. You do listen, don't you?"

"Overkill, Vio!" Blue said, grinning as Red squealed and enveloped Vio in a rib-cracking hug. "He'll never let go now!"

"Anyway," I said, returning the conversation to how it began- with me. "I don't feel the heat either. To me, this place is fresh and cool." Hm. Judging by the glares they were giving me that was the wrong thing to say. They were probably just jealous.

Five rooms in, and I was _sick _of red. I was tired of fire, tired of rock, and tired of those _infernal _fake doors! My companions got squashed quite frequently, and for some reason they _refused _to let me heal them! Even Vio, who had always been the coldly logical and analytical one had insisted that I not heal them with my Pink Powers of Love! And Pink! And bubbles! And pretty puppies!

"NOT THE PUPPIES!" Blue screamed, cowering behind Red. "ANYTHING BUT THE PUPPIES!"

Green stared at him. "Uhhhh..."

Blue straightened, blushing. "I mean... uh... cute little things. Eh-he? So girly."

Hm... pink bratz with pretty hair curlers. Blond barbies getting total makeovers next to a pink brownie machine. Rainbow pretty ponies getting their manes combed by adoring five year old girls-

"STOP!" Blue shrieked, rolling on the ground, covering his ears with his hands. "PLEASE!"

I was singing now. "Tampons, flooowers, chocolates in little boxes, earrings and dresses, hair ties, pink my little ponies, LOL pink smiley face, brown paper packages tied up with string-

"NOT THE SONG! NOOOO!"

Vio grinned, and took up the song. "When the Moblin bites, when the Blue speaks, when I'm severely depressed, I simply remember my favorite things (Blue being bludgeoned on the head by a ten ton tampon), and then I don't feeeeeeel so baaaaaaad."

Me: ...

Green: ...

Red: ^.^

Blue: O.O

Vio: *blush* I... just kinda went with it...

Green: ...Let's never speak of this again...

Blue: ...Agreed...

Um, back to the fake doors. Yes. Ahem. Um, what was I saying again?

Green shrugged. "I dunno, something about us getting squashed by fake doors?"

Red shrugged too. "I dunno either. What's a tampon?"

Me: ...

Green: ...

Vio: ...

Blue: ...Actually, Vio, that fate you mentioned... it doesn't sound half bad.

Me: AAAAAAH!

Blue: Well, I mean, it depends.

Green: I hate to ask this, but on what?

Vio: I shudder in apprehension of the answer...

Blue: Well... has it been used, or no? 'Cause if it has... ^,^

Me: AAAAAAHHH! MY BRAIN! THAT MENTAL IMAGE BUUUUUURNS! GROSS!

Red: Huuuuuuh?

Green: ...I hate you...

Vio: Join the club...

ENOUGH WITH THIS SUBPLOT! RETURNING TO MY EARLIER MONOLOGUE!

About the fake doors that my companions had been crushed under... I, of course, had not been squashed. I had not been in a position for one of the fake doors to fall on my head, for one thing, but even if the doors tried, they would simply break against my invulnerable skin.

My companions stopped dead. Was it something I said? They looked at each other, and I was alarmed to see evil grins spreading across their identical faces.

"G-guys?"

Five minutes later, and the Links had me hoisted up onto their shoulders, and offered to the nearest door.

"Oh great door," intoned Blue, "we offer thee, a SACFRIFICE!" Red stretched out his hand, and gingerly turned the doorknob. I winced, ready for the door to fall on me and ruin my perfect hair. But nothing happened. I sighed, relaxing, glad that nothing had endangered the shine and body of my gorgeous hair. I was ready to leave this room, and this dungeon, behind.

I was therefore confused, and not a little apprehensive, when they did not set me down, turning instead towards one of the other doors. "Uh, guys?" They kept moving. "We-we already found the real door, what are we doing?"

Green didn't spare me a glance as he replied. "Well, in these dungeons, there are often hidden passageways."

"Yeah," Red added, "with lots of treasure!"

"So we thought," Blue continued, "that we would test _all _of these doors. Just in case."

I looked around the room. There were _dozens_ of doors around the rectangular room we were in. "A-all of them?"

"Yep." Blue grunted, swinging my head towards the nearest door. "Every…single…one!"

Oh, me help me...

"Oh well," Blue said, as they dropped me to the ground. "I guess there wasn't a secret passageway after all." I couldn't see his face, as mine was currently planted in the dirt, but I could hear his smirk. I am really starting to hate that kid. "Good to know."

I hoisted myself into a sitting position, groaning, and summoned a mirror to examine myself. Ugh. My hair was a mess! It looked like a rat had nested in it! Thankfully, my status as a Goddess gave me special privileges. I stood up, and motioned to my companions that I would be right back. I teleported to outside of the dungeon, and took in the bright sunlight. Or, I tried to. It was raining. I disliked rain.

I lifted my hands, and the storm clouds parted, and rays of sunshine came through. My powers were being restored to me! After all, I was an Angel of Light- sunshine therefore restored my powers. I opened my mouth, and began to sing a serenade to the sun, thanking it for its light and warmth. Wild animals came to me, attracted to my beautiful voice. Doves came to me and began to fix my hair, while bluebirds made a countermelody to my own song. My song came to an end, as everything must, and the animals departed.

As I turned back to the Temple (with my hair restored to its original sense of perfection), I remembered how many animals had been turned into vicious monsters because of the power of Vaati. I froze. Did that mean…that the evil that my companions were fighting… were in fact innocent creatures? I gasped. I had to stop them! I called upon my Power and turned on the spot, leaving only a faint golden shimmer where I had once stood.

"STOP!" I thundered, having just reappeared in the Temple. Red's sword was suspended over a giant Like-Like, ready to deliver the final blow to the helpless creature. I was just in time! "WAIT!" Red froze. The Like-Like squirmed weakly.

"Why," asked Green, sword in hand, "what's wrong?"

"Do not hurt it!" I cried. They must see! "It is innocent!"

They exchanged glances.

"Um, Miss Angel?" Red, he would side with me! "Isn't... isn't it a monster? I mean, don't monsters hurt nice people?"

"But it is not their fault!" Tears began to sting my eyes. "Vaati's magic makes them attack people!"

"Maybe so." Vio said calmly, stepping in front of Red, "but it is still a threat. Besides," he said, overriding my objections, "if we don't eliminate it, it might kill someone else. Would you wish that upon anyone?" And before I could object any farther, he drove the wounded animal through with the Four Sword. The poor creature gurgled, and was still. It began to dissolve, and a shield formed from the pool of goo that had once been the Like-Like. The iron bars covering the door disappeared when the last of the goo disappeared. The group began to head towards the recently unblocked door.

"Stupid thing deserved to die," Blue grumbled, picking up the shield. "How dare it eat my shield?"

I turned to him, horrified. Making snide remarks was one thing, but saying that that poor animal deserved death for taking his shield was too much.

"You've been in Heaven too long, Sue." Vio stated, heading past me. "You forget what the real world is like." He turned to me. "If you plan on continuing this behavior for the remainder of your time with us, I must insist that you leave, or wait here. The last thing we need when facing the Boss is a saboteur in our midst."

I opened my mouth, then closed it. How could they? They were supposed to be Heroes, chosen by the Light!

"Our job is to save Hyrule and protect its people." Green said firmly. "And these monsters are terrorizing the people and keeping us from saving Zelda and the Maidens. They are abominations who must be dealt with."

Even Green! But I must accompany them, since the story was being told from my point of view. Besides, who else had my super-awesome-ninja-skills? And my shiny hair? Not to mention my adorable button nose? Oh, and my-

"WE GET IT!" The Heroes chorused.

"Sheesh, you're so VAIN!" Blue said.

I swear, he's even more insufferable than Nayru was when I tried to give her a total makeover!

"Victory is mine!"

Grr…if I wasn't a Goddess of purity and light, I would be cussing right now.

"EEEEK! KILL IT! KILL IT!" I was pinned. Pinned by the scariest, most diabolical creature in Hyrule! Nay, the entire MULTI-VERSE! It advanced towards me menacingly, its feelers arched high, claws ready to shred me to pieces! All my divine power was for naught against this... this thing! Shuddering gasps were coming from my compatriots, and I realized that they too must have paralyzed by this monstrosity! Oh yes! Monstrosity! For this abomination was truly deserving of the title 'monster!' Unlike the other heart-wrenching adorable-creatures-turned-bad in this temple, this was something even I could not love! Dark, matted hair sprouted from every inch of its vile body! Gasp! It's raising its claw! It's going to attack!

"It's a mouse."

It's horrible, tainted mind was awash in vile thoughts, eager to feast on my disgorged flesh-

"It's a _mouse._"

Mouse! So that was its name... mouse. A word that would echo forever down through the annals of history, a name that would make children cower under their beds when threatened to eat their brussel sprouts by frustrated moms! Mouse! I shudder at the very thought of its horrid name, such was the-

"It's a friggin MOUSE! GET OVER IT!"

I looked round. That noise that had been coming from my companions for the last few minutes, that which I had taken to be shuddering gasps of fear, was actually...

"Laughter?" How could they be laughing? Did they not see it? It's horrible horribleness?

"It's three inches tall."

Size was of no importance! The scourge of the Sacred Realm, the Stiletto-Eating-Menace, was only four centimeters long!

Red gasped in fear. "What.. what does the Stiletto-Eating-Menace do?"

"It eats...you know, Red, I have no idea... no friggin clue."

"Blue," Green admonished, but Blue went ranting on.

"No friggin _clue_ of what the Stiletto-Eating-Menace could do. Heck, even _Vio _doesn't know!"

"Actually..." Vio spoke up smoothly, "I do know. Red, the Stiletto-Eating-Menace (or REM, for short, or REMMY, as his old high-school-graduate buddies called him back in '69), is a monster that is feared by all others. They named a band after him, don't ya know, the R-E-M, but that's another story. I'll only tell it when It's the End of the World as We Know it."

"Waaaaait a minute..." Green said, raising a hand suspiciously. "Wouldn't his name be-"

Red stuffed a cupcake into his mouth. "SHHHH!"

Vio continued with his (boring) narrative as if nothing had happened. "Summoned by Ganondorf during the druggie reign of the bulbous afro and pink disco shoes, otherwise known as the 60s, he did the warlock's bidding... for a while. But soon, REMMY grew too stylin' for Ganondorf to control... so he escaped. But not before suffering the consequences of overcoming Ganondorf's giant fuzzy pink car-dice guards. During his escape, he forgot that Ganondorf could teleport, so when he was crossing the road at the intersection of Sponge Rd. and Krabs Dr., it happened..."

"What? What happened?" Red stared at Vio fearfully, and even Blue and Green were beginning to take an interest.

"Quiet, and I will tell you." Vio picked up the story again, starting at the creepy part. "Ganondorf materialized on top of Squid's Clarinets, and threw an axe at him. REMMY did not escape whole... he left behind something very important... his hand."

Red was listening raptly to Vio's tale, and Blue and Green were hooked. I, of course, was not, still waiting for them to finish sub-plotting and GET TO THE ME-DAMN POINT! HUGE, SUE-EATING MONSTER RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! ME, THE INNOCENT DAMSEL IN DISTRESS! Did I need to spell this out for them? Monster: there. Damsel: about to get eaten. Heroes: TELLING EACH OTHER SPONGEBOB RIPOFFS! Why were they not saving me from the Sue-eating monstrosity?

"Duh!" Blue shot me a look that told me not to interrupt again. He promptly resumed staring wide-eyed at Vio.

"REMMY shadow-ported away, and appeared in the New Yordekus metro tunnels... where he heard a loud, wailing sound... _screeeeeeeeeeeech..." _Vio's sword slid agonizingly out of its sheath, and began tapping the ground. _Ting. Ting. Ting. _

Green shivered. "That sounds waaaay too much like a certain pedophile we all know and hate..."

Vio continued as if he hadn't heard. "He began to stagger aways into the tunnel, darkness on all sides..."

"Why didn't he just shadow-port away again?" Green questioned, raising his hand.

"Because-"

"Because he was drugged to the hilt, that's why!" Blue interjected, glaring at Green. "What part of 'reign of the druggies' didn't you get?"

Red produced two muffins and stuffed them both into their mouths. "SHHHH!"

Blue gagged on his muffin, coughing. "What the hell did you put in these things, cow manure?"

Red shook his head, smiling brightly. "Nope, just this!" He produced a bottle dramatically and read the label. "Warning: contains ci-a-nide. Hey Blue, what's ci-a-nide? ...Blue? Blue?"

[]

Vio coughed. "Ignoring that... again... where were we, anyway?"

A disgruntled Blue raised his hand. "Something about some random stoned loser being lost on a railway."

"Ah yes, that. Thanks to the arrival of EMT, SWAT, and the FBI- honestly, Red, where did you even get cyanide in the first place- I was able to, ah, recall the finer details of REMMY's fate..."

"I'm scared!" Red whispered, clinging to a blue shirt.

"You should be," Blue growled, yanking his arm out of Red's grasp, "now shut up before I rip you a new one, you dyslexic psychopath."

"Hey!" Green warned, drawing his sword, "don't beat on the mentally disabled!"

Blue snorted. "You can take your politically correctness and shove it up my pretty little-"

"HE COULD NOT SEE OR HEAR A THING," Vio continued loudly, shouting over Blue's rating breaker, "and he did not dare to let the walls guide him for fear of touching the deadly third rail."

"What, that thing next to train tracks?" Red inquired. "That thing's harmless! I used to touch it all the time!"

Blue coughed into his hand. "That explains a lot."

The Fourth Wall let out a sob. It was ignored. It crawled back into the Emo Corner of darkness and loneliness and cutting and pain because nobody cared about it.

"The sounds of scrabbling talons slowly made themselves known to his ears, and he summoned a light, to guide him in his search. He wished he hadn't..."

The best thing about this story, I, Minerva, Goddess of Light and pretty pink petunias, thought, in an effort to refocus this rampaging story back on its most important, most pretty, most powerful character, you might ask? It kept Mouse occupied.

"_Mice. _ Thousands of them. They filled the tunnel, all around him was a sea of gray..."

I glanced nervously at Mouse. It looked quite pleased with itself, sitting up importantly, glaring at me as if to say, 'hear that? Be afraid, Sue... be very afraid...'

"They swarmed him, little teeth biting, ripping, cutting, tearing... for all his afro-given power, he was helpless against them."

_Gulp_.

"_Woooot... wooot_... what was that sound? He lifted his head, mice falling off his neck and hair, teeth tearing his skin as they fell. _Wooooot! Woooooot_! That sound... it was the sound of salvation. And yet, even as the gray worm tore through the underground tunnels of the New Yordekus metro straight towards them, still the mice did not relinquish their prey. The last thing REMMY ever heard was the sound of a mouse nibbling on his ear."

Blue gasped. "No!" Green stared at him. "Errr... I mean... that is... sux 2 B him!"

Vio nodded. "Indeed. 'Sux 2 B him.' However, REMMY did not die."

Red shook. "He d-didn't? W-why?"

"Because he was _already dead._" Vio paused, and looked at each of his fellow Heroes in turn. He sighed, seeing there confusion, and whipped out a tweed suit and tie. He tapped on a chalkboard with a long stick, and straightened his glasses with the other hand. "Demons, being ancient behemoths that crawled out of the primordial ooze time out of mind, do not die. However, they are dispersed, and their energy returns to the Underworld, gathering the strength necessary to return to the world of consciousness..." Vio coughed, and threw off the Giles outfit (hooray for Buffy references!). "It may take years, maybe even centuries, for them to re-form, but they always come back. _Always._"

Blue and Green stared, horror-struck, at each other, and at the Author's lame attempt to be serious. Did what Vio say mean what they thought it meant?

"Yes... all the monsters you defeat now will simply return, again and again, and go out to seek vengeance on the one who... _inconvenienced _it."

"**[CENSORED]**"

Vio nodded gravely. "Indeed... **[CENSORED]** is perhaps the best way to describe the situation... but there was a complication. REMMY's essence was so tainted by the rabid mice, that he ceased to have a humanoid form at all. When he re-formed, centuries later-"

"Waaaaait-" Green raised his hand suspiciously, but Blue smacked him.

"Not now, genius!"

"Remember, Green, this story doesn't _have _a set time-line. Nor does Hyrule in general. This makes it very easy for lame FanFic writers to plop us in whatever era they wish."

Red nodded. "Ahh, the advantages of ambiguity..."

Blue stared at him.

"I mean, uh, yay! Lame FanFic writers _for the WIN!"_He blushed, and reached for a muffin, but then remembered that when the SWAT team came, they took away all his beautiful creations. He sobbed quietly, clinging to Blue's shirt, and Blue immediately began trying to throw the crying hero off him.

Vio cleared his throat slightly. "If I may continue?" Red and Blue fell silent, and he resumed his tail.

**Random Author's Note: ****Heh, see what I did there? **_**Tail? **_**Because it's about **_**mice?**_** Who have **_**tails? **_**Eh****? ****Eh****?**

Blue threw his mallet at the studio speaker-phone. "We get it! Stop awkwardly interjecting yourself into the story like that, can't you see what you're doing to poor Wallie?" 

**...you're no fun...**

"When REMMY clawed his way up to the earth's surface, centuries later, (Green, put that hand down, or I swear I will take Blue's flaming chainsaw that has yet to be mentioned and cut it off myself), he was shocked to discover that his form was not that of an acne-less teenager-"

"Isn't that an oxymoron?" Green wondered aloud. Blue punished him by smacking him with his hammer.

"Continue, Vi."

"Thank you, Blue... and understand that if you ever call me 'Vi' again, you will suffer a fate that makes REMMY's look like Dora's birthday bash..."

Blue gulped. When Vio threatened, Vio delivered. "Shutting up now."

"Thank you... anyway, REMMY sought out the place of his 'death,' and was about to slaughter every last mouse in the New Yordekus metro, when a thought occurred to him. Why kill, when you can control? He found that he could easily order the common mice around, and with promises of a new world order under his leadership, he began to exterminate all who were not part of his chosen race..."

"Why does this sound familiar to me..." Green had (stupidly) decided to wonder aloud again. "It starts with a Hitl- sound, but because of the brain damage sustained from that nasty hammer of Blue's, I can't quite remember-"

Blue smashed him on the head again. "If you value any of those few brain cells you have left, moron, you'll SHUT UP AND LET THE GUY TALK!"

Vio chose to ignore this. "The biggest obstacle in his path? Light itself. No, not the metaphorical kind. Not the 'goodness and purity' nonsense (I mean interesting philosophical debate matter), but literally light. The mice were terrified of it, and their poor eyes could not handle it. He decided to relocate them. Somewhere where they could get used to a large amount of light, but somewhere they could not be detected by any intelligent being. No, not Las Vegas, Red, but that's a good guess. He chose a location dedicated to containing destruction. A temple, containing massive natural power. Power that he could control. A place filled with light, but dim in enough places that the mice could comfortably inhabit. Can you guess which temple it was?"

Somewhere, Dora freaked. "Hey! Stupidly asking idiotic questions to equally thick companions is MY THING! Wait, wait... I have to be American with this. Let's see, what did they tell us in 'Illegal Immigrant 101?' Yes... WWAAD? What Would An American Do? Hmmmm... I know! Ahem... I WILL SUE YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU HAVE, A-HOLE!"

Vio sighed. "This is what is educating our children..."

Green tutted. "Dora's gone downhill lately, don't you think Blue?"

Blue stared at them, and laughed. "Downhill? What are you talkin' about? I LOVE this new Dora! HEY! DORA! YOU'RE AWESOME!"

An echo floated down to them from... somewhere... somewhere that was definitely _not _the studio door...

"You're not so bad yourself, dollface!"

Blue looked offended. "Not so bad? What'dya mean 'not so bad?' I'm frickin _gorgeous_!"

A snort came from the door- I mean, top of the volcano... yeah...

"Yeah, gorgeous. Just like my Granny's feet when she's been doing Aerobics for Old Geezers!"

Blue laughed, exhilarated. "You would know, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, and I also know about that cute little red bow you have in your hair."

Blue looked around, confused. "Wha-?" He looked at Green, who was sniggering quietly at him. He felt a fly land on his hair, and he swatted it away. Wait...

"MY HAT!" He spun around, glaring wildly around for Dora. "That little Mexican **[CENSORED****] **horse's **[CENSORED] **shove **[CENSORED]** up her **[CENSORED] **Mickey Mouse **[CENSORED]** maid outfit **[CENSORED****] **Kermit the Frog**[CENSORED] **down Ash Ketchum's **[CENSORED] **Bill Gates **[CENSORED****] **tampons **[****CENSORED****] **Ganondorf's mother's sister's open **[CENSORED] **with King of Red Lions **[CENSORED]** down Tingle's **[BEEPEPEPEPEPEEP!]** fuzzy little **[CENSORED] **little Republican ba**[CENSORED]** hippopotamus **[CENSORED] **inside Daniel Radcliffe's **[CENSORED] **Nicki Manaj's overplayed, overused, silicone implanted **[CENSORED] **while **[CENSORED] **down her pepto-bismal stripper prom dress **[CENSORED] **Shizaya-shipping **[CENSORED]** illegal immigrant American wannabe **[CENSORED] **Mexican tissue **[CENSORED] **ON TOP OF A PIANO!"

"Princess Peach's polka-dotted panties Blue!" Red swooned, almost fainting from the unspeakable reference to Nicki Manaj, which is soooooo X-rated that it shouldn't even BE in this story.

"Sweet tapdancing Goddesses on a cracker, what the HECK was that, Blue?" Green said, his hands on his hips, glaring at the azure 'hero.'

I frowned. "Why on earth would I tapdance on a cracker?"

Blue glared at us. "Forget that. Where in the name of Lady Gaga's meth dealer is my hat?"

[_GIRLFRIEND: NO OFFENSE TO ANY OF THE ABOVE PARTIES. EXCEPT NICKI MANAJ. SHE DESERVES EVERYTHING SHE GETS, PLASTIC WHO-_**[BEEEEEEEEP]**]

"There!" Red cried, pointing at the lava pool. The azure hero's hat was pinned to a rock three feet above the lava by a small knife. A note was also pinned to it.

Blue stomped over to it, muttering obscenities under his breath. He ripped the note off the knife, and carefully pulled the knife out of his hat.

"It says, _I learned a few things from Swiper. Not all of them involved __ninja-ski__lls. __*eyebrow waggle*__. __See ya around, big boy. Dora." _

"Wow, Blue, she eyebrow waggles even better than you do!" Red exclaimed, looking at the note.

"What?" Blue looked up from the note, exasperated. "It's written, for Pete's sakes! How the hell are you supposed to know-"

"Because this is written too! Duh!" Red exclaimed, forming his hands into a 'L' on his forehead.

The Fourth Wall threw itself into the lava. However, since the 'lava' was really just spray-painted apple juice, it was unhurt.

A plant was drawn onto the note, directly under her name. Blue snorted. "A Venus Flytrap. How appropriate." He looked up, and I was startled to see admiration in his eyes. "Holy Goddesses, I LOVE that woman!"

I shook my head, confounded. No matter how hard I tried, I would never understand the ways of Blue. That was probably for the better, though.

Red looked awkwardly from one person to another. "Ummm... should we finish the story?"

Vio sighed. "No. I think it's pretty much dead by now. Is the mouse even still here?"

"Yep." I answered, having kept an eye on the behemoth this whole time. "He left to get coffee a few minutes ago, but he came back in time to see Blue cursing at the protagonist in _Dora the Explorer_.

"Anyway," Vio continued, "there's not really much of a point to keep going." At Red's crestfallen expression, he said, "I'll summarize, though. Basically, before this whole 'Dora' thing became so much fun for the Author, we were supposed to be scared by a story where an imaginary demon turned into a mouse in a Spongebob-meets-Elvis setting and came to the Fire Temple to build his indestructible army, and the Mouse that so scared the Sue was one of his minions, and if she wasn't careful he would send all of his troops after her. Then we'd laugh at her hysteria, spend a while with Red doing the whole Spongebob 'the hash singing, the rash bringing' thing, laugh some more, and move on."

Green was quiet.

Red was quiet.

Blue was not. "_Farore_, that's awful! What kind of dummy would be scared by that?"

"You." Green grinned.

"I was not! I was playing along for Red!"

"Look Blue," Red said, delighted, "you're blushing!"

"I am not!" Blue insisted, as they walked out of the cave (in which we had spent a total of 11½ pages in). "It's this stupid volcano! We're surrounded by friggin _lava, _of course my face is- STOP LAUGHING!"

This only made the Heroes laugh harder, and as they walked out, the last thing to leave was Blue's echo. "Demon mice, yeah right!"

Behind the Heroes, Mouse chuckled darkly. "The fools... they have no idea... MWA-HAHAHAHHA-_squeak! _CURSES_,_ not again!" He stamped his cute little mousey foot, and muttered, "Stupid bestial limitations, always ruining my evil laugh!"He squeaked diabolically again, and scurried away to satisfy his sudden uncontrollable desire for cheese. Not just any cheese, no. _Extra sharp _white Cheddar cheese from Vermont. Mmm... now THERE was a cheese befitting of an arch-supervillain like him! Mmmm... cheese... he scurried away, his little tailing flicking once before vanishing completely into the volcano's depths.

"Hey guys, d'you feel that?"

"Feel what, Green?"

"I dunno, I just got this ominous chill."

"Well, we _are _in a volcano."

"...Red, just shut up."

"Guys, I'm serious! We could be in danger!"

"Well... hm, let's think. You got an ominous chill, the camera shifted somewhere else, we just told a story about a super-evil arch-villain residing in this very volcano, and the music got (to use Red's voice), _weawy scawy_ there for a moment."

"Do you think it means something?"

…

"Nope!"

"Nu-uh."

"Everybody knows that I'm the Narrator!" I said, flinging back my perfect hair.

"No, and why do _you_ get a description when the rest of us are stuck with dialogue?"

"Simple," I said, flashing him my perfect pearly white teeth, "I'm the Narrator. I chose not to narrate you."

"So... guys, are we done with this scene yet? I really need to go to the bathroom, and I'm NOT doing it with the camera rolling!"

"Why Blue? What's the problem with that? Just go behind a rock or something! Don't worry about fangirls, I'll stand watch for you!"

"...gee, I feel so protected. Thanks Red."

"No problem! Let's go behind that secluded boulder over there where _anything _could be going on and make suggestive noises behind it!"

"Okay!"

"No...FANSERVICE! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!"

"Eek!"

"Ahh! Rabid Green! Run away!"

"Sigh. Idiots. And here I thought we had moved past the whole 'No Fanservice' thing..."

"Never."

We were at the Boss Door. Finally. I was sick of this dungeon. My dress was singed slightly in places where the Heroes had _accidentally_pushed me into the lava. I had only kept my dress this way because I had hoped that the Heroes would feel some sort of remorse over this fashion disaster. No luck so far.

Anyway, the Boss Door. It was gold leafed, and had emeralds and rubies embedded in it. Wait. Emeralds…and…rubies…JEWELRY!

"SQUEEEEEEEEEEE!" I squealed at the top of my lungs, causing the Heroes to jump. I rushed at the Door, bowling over Blue in the process (sadness). I jumped on the door, and began pulling at the biggest emerald. I could just _see_ that thing hanging in a silver and opals necklace around my creamy neck! Oh, and those rubies would make _gorgeous _earrings!

Ugh, the stupid things wouldn't budge! I gritted my teeth. No door would keep me from my jewelry! I called upon my super-awesome-Goddess strength and _pulled. _ The door exploded and I was propelled across the room. Gold and emeralds and rubies were falling everywhere. It was like a dream! I giggled and began to catch them out of the air.

Blue sighed and shook his head, smirking. "Blondes."

Red leaned over to Vio. "We had the Key, why did she do that?"

Vio turned his head slightly to respond. "Never get between a girl and her jewelry."

Green joined the conversation. "Let's save the Key. It could save us a LOT of time in the next dungeon."

I was still giggling my heart out, singing to myself. "Jewels, jewels, jewels, jewels, jew-els everywhere!" I hardly noticed the Heroes sidling past me, through the opening that had recently held the huge piece of Jewelry.

"You coming?" Blue asked brusquely.

"Just leave us," I replied, pressing my cheek against a particularly large ruby, "leave me to my love in peace."

"Okay." They headed into the final chamber.

I continued kissing the ruby for a few seconds, then regretfully set it down. My companions did need me to arrive spectacularly in the nick of time to save them all, after all. But... it would be a shame to leave all those beautiful gems just lying here, though. Hm. Maybe I didn't have to! I summoned a magical bag (that was totally _not _ripped off from the Links') and began to stuff the gems into the bag. I would convert them to jewelry later.

Five minutes later, and I was ready to join the Links. They were probably struggling against a Demon from the Depths of Hell in an epic battle. They were probably losing without me there, too. I rushed through the doorway.

The first thought that came through my head when I stepped inside was, _big_. The cavern was HUGE! Not as big as my Palace in the Skies, but still, impressive! A lava pit was centered in the room, bubbling magma swirling within its depths.

I readied myself for battle, prepared to save my teammates and prove my worth.

"Well, it's about time!" I looked around, this time actually looking at the ground. A dragon's carcass was lying on the floor, its rear end in the magma, and the Links were sitting casually on its corpse. It looked like one of them had stabbed it in its left eye. Red was stretched out on the Dragon's back, Green and Blue were playing a game of Black Jack, and Vio was studying the fallen Beast, taking careful notes.

"Oh, is she here?" Red asked, lifting himself into a sitting position. "Finally, I was getting bored!"

Blue and Green reluctantly ended their card game. "Ha! I win!" Blue shouted, raising his arms in victory.

"Pfft! No way, I was so beating you!" Green said, punching his shoulder.

"In your dreams, maybe!" Blue retorted.

I looked at them, and I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of anti-climax. "You…" I swallowed, and tried again, "you defeated the Demon?"

"Yep!" Red said happily, jumping from the back of the deceased dragon. "It was easy!"

"Yes. I was disappointed, actually." Vio brushed past me on his way to examine the dragon's claw, which I only just now noticed was embedded next to the doorway. He paused beside me, and turned his head towards me, looking me in the eyes. "You forget," he said softly, "we're professionals."

"Yeah, did you think we couldn't do it?" Blue said aggressively.

"N-no!" I was stuttering. Very strange for me. "I just…I just can't believe I missed it! It would have been the perfect opportunity to show you that I'm not a Sue!"

Blue snorted. "Please. You would have stood behind us as we rushed at the Dragon, with your hand over your heart, then you would have told us to stop, because you could sense the Dragon's 'inner goodness,' and then you would have walked forward to it, ignoring our cries, and put your hand on its snout, and it would have miraculously calmed down and became a good dragon, and we would never have had to have fight it at all."

I blushed. "N-no I wouldn't have! I would have-"

"Changed into a Shiek rip-off and defeated the Dragon with your 'super-awesome-ninja-skills'?" Green questioned.

"I wasn't going to!" I objected, my blush deepening. They were getting onto me! "I would have merely-"

"Used your Powers of Purity and Light and all that's Right and obliterated the Dragon?" Vio asked, smirking.

"I-I…this is a waste of time!" I said, ignoring the snickers of the Heroes, "we should be saving the Maiden of Water!"

"Already done," said Vio, rolling his eyes.

"Well?" I asked, "what did she say?"

Surely, the Maiden of Water would have reprimanded them for their less-than-pious-treatment of a Goddess.

"No," said Blue, smirking, "she said, 'my heart bleeds for you poor heroes who are saddled with the blond bimbo named Sue.'"

My jaw dropped amid the renewed gales from the group. Even the Maiden, who was one of the few links that connected this Terrestrial Realm and the Sacred Realm, was treating me with disrespect! I made a mental note to inform my sisters of this latest impudence when I returned to my Palace in the Skies.

"Yeah. You do that. D'you actually think they'll care?" Blue! I felt like strangling the little brat. Not very Goddessy of me, but still… it would be _so_ satisfactory. "I'd like to see you try!" He taunted.

"I wouldn't do that, Blue!" Green warned seriously. I huffed. Finally, some respect around here! Bring on da WORSHIP! "She may be a blond ditzy bimbo Bratz wannabe, but she'sa blond ditzy bimbo Bratz wannabe named Sue. And those things are more overpowered than anything in the universe (excluding Chuck Norris of course). We could have her hog-tied in the Abyss of Eternal Pain and Strawberry Shortcake and some random plot device would come along and save her. There's no way a legitimate hero like you or me could ever hope to defeat such a perfect little Author Avatar like her in a fair fight."

Hmph. I'll take it. 'Cause he's just complementing my perfectness!

"Which is why," Blue retorted, turning his back on Green and heading for the Temple's Seal, "I never fight fair."

**Hey guiz! So, likey/no lieky? m DYIN 2 know! LOL! Many, many thanks to mah GirlFriend for stickin wid me on dis, gettin me all high-perd up so i can write this, and given me teh whole baisis for 'yaoi jks.' THX, GF! lol ****^_^ ****Yea, cant rememeber if shes already made 'oun appierance' yet, but w/evs. You guiz'll be sein her, but not in dat way, or I'll come to your house and carve your eyes out for daring to stalk her like that *glares* **

***psychotic laugh* See ya later!**

**~Quill**


	4. Parting is such sweet sorrow, no?

**This chapter... this chapter has been a LONG time in coming. It may not be the funniest chapter in the world, but.. something tells me that you'll enjoy the karma in here anyway. ****^_^ ****Remember guiz, read and review! Because we all knows what happens to naughty silent readers who p*** Authors off. We make you into OCs and kill you off in horrible, gruesome ways. ^_^ Enjoy the chapter!**

Chapter Four

Parting is such sweet sorrow, hence the balloons and firecrackers

The light from the Seal deposited us in one of my least favorite places in Hyrule. A Sheikan graveyard. It was a cold, dark, dank cave miles under the ground, far from the reach of the sun's light. What could possibly be worse?

"Oh, I don't know." Blue walked up behind me, taking in the cave. "It's nice here." I stared at him, and he rolled his eyes. "Please. Maybe compared to your golden palace in the skies this place is awful, but to us? Little slice of heaven."

"He's right." Green said, patting a nearby gravestone. "It's quiet here. No monsters, no demons, nothing. Just... quiet. It's a lot better than that Mountain, anyway."

"How so?" I decided to humor the little darlings.

"Well," Blue pursed his lips, pretending to think, "let's see. No flaming rocks, no lava, no stifling heat, no trick doors, no Dragons, and no mountain climbing. I wonder why we like this place? Red, do you know?"

"Nope!" Red had somehow managed to climb to the top of the plain stone entry way, upon which the clan name of the graveyard was engraved. He was perched on top of the ledge, his legs dangling off over the empty air. I was struck anew by how childish Red really was.

The graveyard was so obviously Sheikan. No other tribe had a knack for designing stark, militaristic eyesores like them. The graves were bleak, gray, squat stone squares. Each row was composed of ten gravestones, and each was distanced exactly seven feet from the next in its column, and four from the next in its row. Each gravestone was adorned with the Sheikan symbol of the eye and tear, and the name of the departed was carved directly below that. There were no flowers, and no decorations, just stone and rock.

Of course, the bodies weren't really buried there. Bodies of Sheikah warriors were buried in whatever region they had been assigned to. It was believed that they could then continue to watch over that land from beyond the Veil. I snorted. What nonsense.

The cavern was lit by a series of torches that were hung on brackets across the walls. Each torch had a steady blue mage light, and it was hard to tell that it had been lit for centuries without any touch-ups. Technically, they were enchanted to burn forevermore. In reality, however, most torches shorted out through the millennia due to the mages needing to go poo-poo halfway through the casting spell. Casting something unaffected by the sands of time was a very tricky business, and it was all too common for a mage to botch up the job, even if they had invested in diapers beforehand. Usually it was because the so-called 'wise men' had had a little too much fun at the local bar the night before. But these torches were all in perfect condition, bright and shining like little stars.

Too perfect. I knelt down, and examined one of the nearby gravestones. "The carvings... they are new. But how could this be? The Sheikah tribe died out ages ago."

"Obviously, they didn't." Green raised his eyebrows. "I guess you really don't know everything after all."

So not true. I just never bothered to check.

"You never bothered to make sure that a secret tribe of shadow ninjas was really extinct or not?" Green asked, disbelief and exasperation clearly evident in his tone. Impudent boy, he wasn't even TRYING to hide his disrespect!

"Well, I had better things on my mind!" I protested. "I am a Guardian of Light, and so I am not concerned with the Shadow Tribe."

Vio cleared his throat from behind us. He was leaning against the stone wall, and he held in his grasp- no, it couldn't be!

"Is..." I cleared my throat and tried again, "is that what I think it is?"

Vio waved the piece of paper. "The Author's notes? Yes." I started to object, but he interrupted me. "Before we get into another hilarious argument, I have to tell you that in about ten seconds the Author is going to drop a contingent of Sheikan warriors on us, so we should probably-"

The sounds of singing steel sang through the cavern as Blue and Green drew their swords and rushed into a back-to-back defensive position. Meanwhile, Red drew his bow and notched an arrow, ready to cover his friends.

"I doubt that," I said, "why would they attack us? We're just travelers."

Vio snorted, pocketing the sheet. "Armed travelers who appeared in a flash of blue light during a time of war in the middle of their hallowed graveyard deep in the hidden Sheikan Caverns?"

Oh. Good point. But... "why wouldn't they just ask-"

"THE AUTHOR'S NOTES, WOMAN! ACCEPT THEM!"

"But-"

"NO QUESTIONS!"

"Um," Red spoke up timidly, "why are you in CAPS LOCKS?"

Blue paused. "BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE IT!"

**[A/N: ****What, did you think it was Vio? Fo' shame! He's currently laughing his head off ****at the moment, please try again later.]**

"Oh, okay," Red said brightly, and cleared his throat, "HI EVERYBODY! WOW, THIS IS SO MUCH- gurk!"

Blue put away his still-smoking machete-shooting machine gun. "MY CAPS LOCKS!"

Red moaned feebly from his perch, machetes sticking out of his torso.

"BLUE!" Green screamed at his comrade, horrified at the improper use of modern weaponry. Yeah. Not because he shot his friend, but because he broke the Fourth Wall.

Blue dismissed his comment with a wave. "Bah, he'll get better. Oh, and..." He rounded on Green, whipping out a chainsaw. "NO ONE USES THE CAPS LOCK BUT **MEEEEE!**"

Vio sighed, watching a screaming Green being chased by a rabid Blue. "Hyrule is doomed."

He looked at a collapsed Red, bleeding from a dozen machetes. He looked at a fallen Green, victim to Blue's chainsaw. He looked at Blue, cackling from on top of Green's body. Somehow, his chainsaw had caught fire. Finally, he looked at me, the innocent bystander (the innocent bystander with a video camera. SO going on FaceBook!) He sighed, and cast his gaze skywards. "Can we cut already?"

[BEEEEEEEEEE-INSERT-RANDOM-FILLER-HERE-AS-A-MEDIC-ATTEMPTS-TO-REVIVE-GREEN-AND-RED-WHILE-AN-EMERGENCY-SWAT-TEAM-TAKES-DOWN-A-RABID-BLUE-EEEP]

They waited (fully revived and with their respective meds taken), weapons drawn. Waiting. That little break was fun, but it was time to get serious. Magic shadow ninjas were attacking. I snorted. Yeah. Deadly serious. I shook myself mentally (and my perfect hair was mentally whipped about my face in the mental sea-breeze, shimmering in the light of the mental sun), and readied myself for the attack. An orb of light flared into life at my fingertips, and I took comfort from the awesome mental picture. Seconds passed. Nothing happened.

"Um, Blue? Green? Why are you back-to-back?" I wasn't trying to distract them, I really was curious. "There's only one entrance, and that's over here."

Green answered, his voice tight, eyes scanning the room. "You can never be sure with the Sheikah. They don't follow normal rules. They could pop out anywhere, anytime."

How was he supposed to know that? They'd been extinct (or in hiding) for centuries, how did Green know something like that?

"Simple. I read it."

Ah, he must have discovered a lost manuscript of some kind during his travels that detailed their habits.

"No, I read it somewhere else."

"Really?" I asked. "Where?"

"Wikipedia."

Sigh.

"I doubt that a back-to-back position is necessary," I said, "there's only one door, and a bunch of gravestones. Where could they possibly come from?" I should have known better than to mess with Fate.

"Behind you." A palm slammed into my back. Dark energy tore through my being, disrupting my innate Light energy. Pain clawed its way up to my brain. I couldn't think, I couldn't move. I had no idea what had happened to my teammates, and I couldn't move my lips, destroying the possibility of spell casting. I screamed, and my attacker was thrown from me in an explosion of pure energy.

I stood there, panting, energy still coiling from my form. How could this be? Seven Sheikah, and I had not noticed? They must have used their (unawesome) shadow powers to shield their inner light from me. The heroes had already been knocked out, poor dears. From the looks of it, Red had been pulled off of the ledge. Since it was fifteen feet above the ground, I wasn't surprised he was unconscious.

Well, I guess it was up to me to take care of the rest of the bad guys. The Heroes were unconscious, leaving me to shine against the innumerable enemies. What an unexpected turn of events this was! Because, you know, it totally hasn't been used by tons of wishy-washy gals over the years. Nope. I was a totally original character, unique in my own special, beautiful way.

Three of the seven Sheikah were on the ground already. One was lying next to Red. I presumed that the Hero had grabbed him on his way off the ledge. The second warrior's face was all bloody, and it looked like Blue had rammed his hilt into his face, shattering his nose upon impact. The third was behind me, and he had slammed into the wall after having light energy explode in his face. He wasn't going to be getting up any time soon.

I exhaled, and golden light rippled through my hands like an awesomely awesome special effect in an awesomely awesome movie starring the awesomely awesome ME. Anyway, as my breath fanning before me, the light flared around my fists. I glared at the remaining Sheikan warriors. Three down. Four to go. An Angel of Light versus some shadow warriors? Please. No contest. I screamed, slamming my hands into the ground, and a ripple of light tore through the ground around me, surging rapidly through the room. The warriors leaped off the ground, fastening themselves safely onto the walls as the shockwave passed below them.

The fallen Sheikah, on the other hand, weren't so lucky. They writhed in agony as the light overloaded their systems. Anyone still conscious won't be anymore. The light passed harmlessly through the Heroes, protected as they were by the power of the Triforce of Courage (which, btw, totally paled in comparison to my Triforce of Love, which I had been secretly been hiding from Gannondork for centuries, which was the real cause of the events surrounding Ocarina of Time).

The Sheikah crawled along the walls like spiders, throwing handfuls of poisoned needles straight towards me. I conjured up a barrier, and they disintegrated harmlessly against it. I summoned spears of light from thin air and cast them at the warriors, but they dropped off the walls before the spears could connect. The warriors dashed at me, drawing poisoned daggers, and I slammed my hands onto the ground again. They must have anticipated this, however, and pushed themselves off the gravestones high into the air, flipping over the shock wave of light. Stupid Power Ranger wannabes.

They were closing in on me, but no matter. My powers were only limited by my imagination (think Green Lantern, but a thousand times prettier and awesome...ier). These odious little spiders couldn't keep dancing forever. They darted towards me, on the ground this time, each from a different direction.

I decided to do something a little more direct. See if you can dodge this! I created a tendril of light, and sent it flying at the Sheikah to my right. He leaped, as expected, and I lifted my arm, and the light went with him. His eyes barely had time to widen before the tendril of light was wrapping itself around him, pinning his arms to his sides. Ha! Super light powers ftw!11 I clenched my fist, and the light squeezed him, denying him oxygen. I swung my hand straight at the ground, and the light slammed him into the ground so hard that he created a crater in the rock. I would have liked some time to savor my victory, but my attention was seized by the Sheikah who was slashing a nasty-looking daggerinto my face.

I threw up a barrier again, and his dagger collided off of it, but instead of losing his balance, he used the momentum of the collision to spin around and smack my barrier again like some kinda Jackie-Chan-meets-random-ballerina-lady dude. But why? It was invulnerable, why would he keep-

I felt a rush of air behind me, and I threw myself to the side, narrowly dodging the other warrior's offense. Of course! That first Sheikah was only distracting me from the real threat! But wasn't there still one more? Where was he? I considered pulling a Dora, but decided that his wasn't the time to cross-reference.

I threw up a bubble of protection around me. If I couldn't see the Sheikah, he was probably about to attack. It turned out I was right. Five poisoned needles rammed into my bubble, one after the other, right behind my neck. They converged on my little bubble, delivering blow after blow, as if they could actually hope of destroying my sanctuary.

Stupid bugs, haven't you ever heard of personal bubbles! Get outta my space yo!

"**ENOUGH.**" I gestured with my hand, and the Sheikah were all thrown back. I was tired of this game. Tired of them. How dare they? How _dare _they? Peace and serenity were out, now. Rage reigned supreme.

"**FOOLS. DID YOU REALLY HOPE TO DEFEAT ME? I AM A GODDESS!**" Time for a final attack. Something that they could not possibly dodge. The attack Omega Ultima, which was totally not ripped from Final Fantasy. I placed my hands in front of my navel, and began to pour tons of light into that tiny space between them.

"**TIME TO END THIS.**" The sheer energy contained in that little ball was enough to change its color from a deep gold- like my hair- to the purest white- like my skin. My hands shook from the power contained between them, and pain began to claw its way up my arms. I screamed, and threw out my hands, unleashing the awesome destructive power that I had held only moments before.

I fell to the ground, limbs shaking. I panted heavily, on all fours against the cold hard ground. My stomach shook, and my head spun painfully. Imagine, if you will, four starving geese fighting over a piece of bread in my stomach. Now, make my stomach the piece of bread. Yeah, be overwhelmed by my pain. I couldn't think, and I didn't understand what was happening. Which was totally different than my normal omniscient self.

"W-what?" My voice rasped, throat burning with... with... saying this... ugh, c-can't think straight. "W-why? What's happening to me?" My vision was spinning, and my stomach felt like it was going to explode.

"You used all of your power." I raised my head, wincing at the shafts of pain shooting through my temples. It was a Sheikah warrior! Le gasp! Who would have guessed? Certainly not me, that's for sure!

"B...but how?" My power should have incinerated them all! Anger fought to the surface through the numbing haze of pain. They should be dead! Why were they not dead?

He sighed. "Next time you want to get in a fight with elite shadow ninjas, _don't _be the narrator. We knew what you were going to do as soon as you did. When we heard your thoughts, we ran for cover."

Oh. [**CENSORED**]. Oh mah Me, did I just think that naughty little word? Tee-hee! I'm sooo bad...

He knelt down to my eye level, squatting on the stone. I met his eyes, and I could see myself reflected in them. Frazzled hair, ruined makeup, ruined. Pathetic.

"Besides, we had an advantage."

Huh?

"We knew your weakness, you see," he explained, as if to a child, "you get your powers from sunlight. Down here," he gestured to the torch lit cave, "you're out of your element. Here, you have only your own reserves to call upon."

"How do you know this?" Nobody knew of this, _nobody._ Only my divine family; Din, Nayru, and Farore knew. And they sure didn't tell. Did they?

He smirked, and pulled out a stack of stapled paper. "This told us."

I squinted at it, and read the title aloud. "_Legends of Clichés_" And below that, the subheading,_ "A tale that makes the fourth wall huddle into a corner and cry._"

What? They had a copy of the story? "How did _you _get that? That hasn't even been finished yet!"

He grinned. "We printed it off the Internet. We don't get very good Wi-Fi down here, but reception on the surface is good enough." I must have still looked confused, because he continued to explain, "the Author posted the first few chapters to his Creative Writing Group, and we aren't spies for nothing." He paused, then continued. "Is anyone else feeling that this statement is no longer relevant?" He sneered down at me. "Ah well. So I gave an outdated joke. What are you going to do, sue me?" He waggled the story in front of my eyes, and laughed.

"W-what? That's cheating!"

He pocketed the booklet. "You call it cheating. I call it smart. _Know thine enemy, _as I always say. And thanks to your little soap opera with the birds outside the Fire Temple, we knew exactly what to do."

I still didn't get it. Exasperated, he shook his head. "Think about it! You get your power from sunlight. You're in a cave. You can't replenish your power! All we had to do was get you to use all of your stored-up power, and _bing-bada-boom,_ you're helpless. Just a regular mortal pop-princess."

No, this couldn't be true! I am a Goddess! I didn't lose! I don't run out of power, I'm omnipotent!

"Nobody is omnipotent, even the Goddesses. And besides, you're not a Goddess. You're not even canon."

I tried to ignore him, to focus on my power, but I couldn't. His words just drilled into my head, and I was so woozy I couldn't concentrate. I need light! I need air!

"Now, you'll see how it feels, to be mortal. Regular. _Common_." I looked up. Something had changed in his voice. If I had ever bothered to learn how to read people without the aid of my power, I would have known that his expression was murderous. As it was, I thought he was constipated.

He leaned in closer, and I could see that his eyes were bloodshot, could hear the rasp in his voice, could taste his breath. Mmm... tuna! "Now you'll see how it feels, when someone more powerful than yourself controls you and _you can't do a thing about it._"

This... this is not good.

We rejoin our Heroes (minus Green, because the Author was too lazy to write him in) deep within the rec room, which was deep within the Sheikah caverns, which was deep within the realm of Hyrule, which was deep within the Author's computer. The blue mage-light was a steady source of illumination for our heroes, which was needed for their current, oh so heroic, activity.

The heroes were seated around a small wooden table with two other Sheikah, each with a handful of cards in their hands. Chips were scattered around the table, and Vio's face was practically hidden behind the mound of chips in front of him.

"Royal flush boys, hand 'em over!" Vio slapped down his cards, grinning like the drama queen he was. The others groaned, and Blue knocked over his chair as he stormed away.

"_Navi,_ Vio!" The blue-vested hero ran a hand through his blond hair.

The other boy spread his arms out. "Well, what did you expect? Really, inviting me to play like that."

Blue threw up his hands. "I didn't think you would win!"

Vio raised an eyebrow. "Really? Really, Blue?"

Blue glared at him, exasperated. "You said it was your first time!"

Red, having apparently grown bored with their arguing, turned to another Sheikah to start another conversation. The Sheikah, however, shushed him, grinning.

"It was my first time."

"Yeah, then how'd you win?"

Vio shrugged. "It was easy. I used the simple powers of math and probability and, taking into consideration what cards had already been played and what I had in my hands, it was an easy thing to deduce what cards you most likely held."

Blue stared at him. "So... you cheated."

"I did not cheat! I used strategy!"

"You counted the cards!" Blue laid his hands on the table, leaning towards Vio. "That's cheating."

Vio looked around, exasperated. "How on earth is using what I learned in grade school cheating?"

All the while those two 'Heroes' had argued, Red had been looking around confusedly. Now, his head snapped up. "Guys!"

"What?" The two heroes rounded on him.

Red looked from one to the other excitedly. "Narrator's back!"

A moment of silence. "WHAT?" Blue screamed, startling the two Sheikah.

"Yeah!" Red's head bobbed up and down happily. "Didn't you notice?" He looked at Vio.

Vio shrugged. "I noticed, I just wanted to end the game (and get my money) before I spoke up. I had a feeling once Narrator's presence was acknowledged, the game would end, and I wouldn't get my money." He sighed, looking mournfully at the pile of chips. "It seems as though I was right..."

"Waaait, I thought the Author was going to stay with the Sue for a while longer! Isn't he doing a scene with her _right now?_"

Vio nodded. "He was, but then he realized that writing an escape scene with a sense of total loss and depression would a) change the genre, b) make the Sue too normal and lovable, and finally, that scene with the guard was slightly inappropriate. Funny, but inappropriate."

"Inappropriate in what way?" Red asked, his head tilted innocently to one side.

Vio looked to Blue for support. "Uhhhh..."

Blue jumped in. "There was too much action, Red, that's all."

Red nodded. "Oh."

The Sheikah next to Red grinned, nudging his fellow. "There's no such thing as too much action."

Blue smacked him with the hammer, then looked at Red, who had not seemed to have gotten the joke. As per usual.

While Vio sighed in relief, Blue shook his head confusedly. "Wait, isn't the Narrator supposed to be in the Dark Realm right now?"

"Hm, that is a good point," Vio mused, "I had planned to consult with the Maiden of Shadow about the Narrator, so I suppose we could ask her when we rescue her..."

The Sheikah to Red's left cleared his throat loudly. "We have already rescued the Maiden of Shadow from Vaati's clutches."

Blue blinked. "You have? You? But you're OC's!"

The Sheikah to Red's right sighed, and shook his head. "As long as we go unnamed, we're not OC's. And remember, we _are _superly-overpowered ninjas."

"That's an excuse." Vio crossed his arms. "Why is she not in captivity right now?"

"Random Plot Device."

"Ah."

"Anyway," the first Sheikah said, "while she was in her crystal, the Maiden was Twittered by 'xxdeath_reaper1027'. This was the message: 'WTF? Douche in my grille, no invite to mah BBQ. LOL.' Since she owed the dude for not ratting her out to Nayru when she was found hittin' up Brad Pitt and Taylor Lautner in the Underworld, she pulled him (the Narrator) out. He's been staying here with us on and off ever since. He and his geological phenomenons were very helpful in-"

"Yeah, don't care." Blue turned back to counting his chips.

"What was she doing with Brad Pitt and Taylor Lautner?" Red looked up from his cards.

"You heard 'em, Red," Blue looked from one Sheikah to the other, silently promising them a slow and painful death, "she was hitten' them up!" Since Red still looked confused, he added, "they were playing baseball, Red. Duh!"

Vio held up his brochure of _Excuses Weekly_. "Yep... says it right here! 'The Underworld. Dark, gloomy, and depressing, this natural celebrity resort features stalagmites and glowing ghouls, making it perfect for a round of celebrity baseball."

"Ohhhhh..." Red nodded. "Does that mean I can hit you up later?"

At that very moment, Green barged in. "NO FANSERVICE!"

Vio kicked him out, then turned to the Sheikah. "Wait... Brad Pitt and Taylor Lautner aren't dead... are they? How long have we been here?"

Blue nodded understandingly at the Sheikah. "Vio's worried his secret crushes are dead."

Vio smacked him. "Shut it, Blue! You know I'm taken!"

"Oh yeah, weren't we bugging you about that in the first chapter? What happened to that?"

Vio's eyes widened. "Hellfire."

The Sheikah cleared his throat again. "Um, back to us now. Uh... I forgot the question."

The other dude nudged him. "Brad Pitt and Taylor Lautner..."

"Oh yeah! Well, the Maiden wanted somewhere where they could be_ alone_,"

"To play baseball!" Red was happy he knew what they were talking about.

"Yeah... sure kid. Baseball."

The first Sheikah elbowed him. "Yeah, home run, if you know what I mean."

"Oh yeah, I know what you mean!" Red nodded importantly. "Who won?"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh... Brad Pitt, duh!"

"Ohh..." Red nodded wisely, "so Brad Pitt was topping in a sexual three-some between the Maiden of Shadow, himself, and Taylor Lautner, during a scandalous liaison in a place where the paparazzi couldn't hope to find them?" He paused, chewing his lip. "Did they use protection? 'Cause, I suppose you could use the term 'win,' to mean that Brad Pitt impregnated the Maiden of Shadow, but then she wouldn't really be the 'Maiden' of Shadow, would she? I guess she would be 'The pregnant she-beast of shadow,' then, but-"

"WHOA WHOA WHOA! RED! WHAT THE HELL? K+ RATING, DUDE!"

Vio looked at Blue. "I think we killed the K+ rating a while ago. This is at LEAST T."

"Yeah, but STILL!"

Red spoke up again. "If the rating's T, does that mean we can-"

"NO!" Blue and Vio screamed at the same time.

"I don't know where you were going with that," Blue said, "and I don't really WANT to know. What's WRONG with you, man?"

Red brought out his iPhone. "Shadow Link downloaded the Urban Dictionary App on here, and I've been studying it!"

Blue grabbed the iPhone and threw it on the floor. He whipped out his flaming chainsaw and began smashing it into the iPhone. "DIE! DIE! DIE!"

Vio lifted his hands. "What is this 'Homework' of which you speak? Why do homework when you could be reading this?"

Somewhere in Japerica, the Author and his Girlfriend facepalmed and kept writing. They were both failing school (well, the Girlfriend. **I'm** getting straight A's.)

_Hey! I get straight A's too!_

**SHUT UP GIRLFRIEND!**

_Hey... where did this conversation start?_

**Uhhhh... I dunno... wait, let me scroll back seven pages... AHA! The Maiden of Shadow has been rescued-**

_Yeah. 'Rescued' from 'captivity' via Brad Pitt and __Taylor Lautner__. No offense, darling, but I never want you to rescue me. Weeks of isolation with those hotties, YUM! Remind me, why am I dating you? _

**I could ask you the same question.**

_HEY! Abusive relationship!_

"IF you two are quite finished!" Vio glared at the ceiling.

**We got told off by a **_**character!**_

_Our first fight, and it's typed out IN FANFICTION!111111_

**Nice.**

_We need lives..._

**Hey! Here's an idea! Let's screw up theirs!**

_HELL YES!_

"Yay!" Red threw his hands in the air.

Vio facepalmed. "That's not something to cheer about, Red. They're going to take out their domestic frustrations on us! That means MORE YAOI from the Girlfriend, and MORE SADISM from the Author!"

The Girlfriend and the Author high-fived.

"Huh? Oh, I'm cheering because we don't have to go through the Shadow Temple and save the Maiden! Yay!"

"Right!"

The Author and the Girlfriend decided to preserve the shattered remains of the Fourth Wall and stopped talking. For now.

"WHOOPEE!" Red danced up and down gleefully, abandoning his chair. "No creepy temple full of dead stuff! Yay!"

"Good! Now we can get rid of that annoying Sue!" Blue rubbed his hands together wickedly. "Now... I have a few ideas on how to do that..."

"I dunno, guys." Red looked down, blushing. "She's kinda growing on me."

The two heroes gasped. "Her Sue-ness has infected Red!" Blue rushed at Red and grabbed him, shaking his shoulders. "RED! SPEAK TO ME!" He looked imploringly at Vio. "Help me!"

Vio stood there, staring at Blue as if he had three heads.

"VIO!"

Vio shook his head. "Sorry. I was just waiting for Green to bust in and feed you your intestines with his 'NO FANSERVICE' cry, but... I guess since I kicked Green out of this scene..."

"Yeah, yeah, it's very tragic, now can you PLEASE HELP ME?"

"Right!" Vio headed quickly around the table. "I'll grab his legs, you take his torso."

Blue hoisted Red's flailing form into his arms, and faced the door, crying, "to the decontamination room! AWAY!"

And together, they rushed an objecting Red out of the room to who-knows-where.

Left alone, the the two Sheikah looked at each other. One of them scratched his ear. "Uhhh, what just happened? Were we even there at all?"

The other sighed, and shook his head. "Not for them." He patted his partner on the shoulder. "Don't worry about it. It's a main character thing."

The first eyed the chips and rupees the trio had left behind. "You know, that purple guy never collected his winnings..."

The second one nodded, his eyes glinting mischievously. "And the game wasn't technically finished, either. I still have a chip left."

The first sighed dramatically. "Well, it looks as if, most unfortunately, the heroes have forfeited. Leaving us to finish the game."

They cackled. "Vegas, here we come!"

...

"Hey Frank?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are we still on?"

"Oh, for a little extra comedy."

"Well, yeah, but that's done. Shouldn't it have switched back after the Vegas part?"

"Hmm, yeah. Good point. Lemme see... oh! I know why."

"What?"

"The crew broke for lunch and left the Mics on."

"Ah."

…

"Uh, how do we turn these off?"

"Dunno. Pie?"

"Maybe later. Ooh, I got it! _Ahem_. Always wanted to do this... AAAAAND, **CUT!** TAKE FIVE PEOPLE, THAT'S A WRAP!"

_Click!_

-END CHAPTER-

**Yeah, yeah I know. Not exactly the most stimulating chapter of this that I've ever written, but still, it was fun to write. And besides, writing that fight scene (my first, by the way) felt AWESOME! I pretty much just took away power/awesomeness limitations from both parties and let them have at it. And watching the Sue get her pretty little perfectly manicured patooshie get handed to her... priceless. Unless, of course, you want to pay me for my services. I would not say no to a few hundred billion bucks.**** ;) **

**Alright, so the Girlfriend is (finally) introduced- technically, she's been around this whole time, we just haven't really seen her yet. She was actually the one who put me onto the whole 'yaoi humor- gooood' thing. Not sure whether that's good or bad... **

**I wrote the fight scene first, and then tried to interject some humor into it. Tell me if it worked or not, k? Thanks a lot to all who reviewed! One of these days, I will ****bring forth an OC who represents all of you mute readers, and oh yes, I will have fun with him/her/it. Oh yes... so review, lest that character be you!**


	5. Randomness, how I love thee

**This is less of a chapter and more of a bunch of scenes, loosely tied together by Green's experiences surrounding his day in the Sheikah caverns. Warning: this chapter thoroughly deserves its T rating. Drug use, sexual jokes/themes, and lots of yaoi referencing. No swearing, though! ****^_^**

**Now, this is my advice for anyone reading this story (any part of it). Just go with it. Enjoy the humor. It's not meant to be serious, so don't go nitpicking the finer details of the (quote-unquote) plot. Relax, sit back, and enjoy the ride. However, if there is something hugely glaring, feel free to let me know.**

**Remember to review, people!**

Chapter Five

Green walks into a bar

Green splashed some water on his face. Ah, that felt so good after that stupid volcano. Was it really to much to ask for that that stupid blue light would heal him? Honestly... it wasn't as if the monster was going to do it! He looked into the small bathroom mirror, gazing at his reflection. He caught sight of himself in its smooth surface and sighed. He looked like something the Lizalfos dragged in.

Something twinkled at him from within the mirror. He furrowed his eyebrows, confused. He studied it for a few moments, apparently debating on what to do. Finally, he opened his mouth to speak. "Um, should I ignore that?"

"Huh?" A man's head poked out from behind the black contraption.

Green turned around. "The camera's visible, dude. The mirror."

With a shimmer, the Fourth Wall gave up. It had been knocked around so much, that finally the illusion it was meant to protect was just too visible. It decided right then and there that it was time to visit its therapist for some much needed help. The Fourth Wall packed its bags and faded away, revealing something much more than just a small bathroom in a cavern. Green was standing on a small set shaped like a cave with only _three _walls, and behind him stood the moronic camera-man who had been stupid enough to let the camera be shown.

Said man slapped himself on the forehead. "Oops."

The director sighed, and lifted his megaphone. "CUT!" Everybody relaxed slightly, and the red light on the camera died. The director looked around, exasperated. "Okay guys, I get that this is an _unusual _story, but let's not get lazy, okay? Just do what the Author wants us to, and we'll all be okay!"

The Mic supervisor raised a hand. "But, isn't this all intended to be? I mean, doesn't the Author want us to do this, if he's writing it and everything?"

"I wouldn't think about it too hard," the director advised, "you'll go nuts."

Mic ignored him, frowning. "So, if everything is intended to be, and we therefore can't make mistakes, because no matter what we do we'll just be going along the planned path by the Author..."

The director tried to stop him. "I wouldn't do that, kid!"

"...then that means," Mic said, his face growing paler, "that we're all just pawns in some sick game!"

The director groaned, putting his head in his hands. The producer next to him sighed, and spoke into a small microphone on his collar. "Yeah, security? We've got another code-nine Existential Crisis on the way."

Mic, meanwhile, stumbled to his feet. "None of this matters! Don't you see it?-!-?" The man next to him tried to grab him, but Mic shook him off. "Don't touch me!" Mic shrieked. "None of this is real! None of it! Nothing we do matters!" He screamed, knocking over the Sounds Table next to him.

Security entered at that moment. "Which one, boss?"

Uh, duh? The one who's frothing at the mouth. Good going, genius.

"Listen up Narrator," the stupid one said (I know, really helps narrow it down), "I can go without your giving me lip!"

Ugh, gross, why would I EVER want to give _you _lip? Ew! In your dreams, buster!

He clenched his teeth. "You better be nice, Narrator, or I'll-"

What? Find out where I live? Ugh, that's disgusting! Creeper! You creepy-stalker-person, you!

He (for even I did not know who exactly 'he' was, him being so unimportant that I had not graced him with a name) growled at me.

Easy there, Tiger, keep it in the bedroom.

"Why you-"

"WILL YOU SHUT UP," screamed the director, who was currently being shoved into the second wall by monsieur crazy, "AND GRAB HIM ALREADY!"

The security guard sighed, and plucked Mic off the director. "Look here missy, r u da crzy guy?" He checked his script. "Is ur name 'Mic?'"

Mic turned doey eyes on the security guard. "Me? Oh no, officer," he said, fluttering his eyelashes.

"Oh." The guard nearly dropped him, then stared at him suspiciously. "who r u den?"

"I'm, uh, Flower. Harold Flower."

"Oh." This time, the guard did drop him. "Sry bout dat. lol."

...Are we really going through this scene? I mean, really? This is just sad.

"Yeah, I-"

Shut up and do your homework! I mean, um, be quiet, I don't care. This scene is stupid and badly thought out. In fact, I don't even know why the Author even wrote it. It's just bad. YO, AUTHOR! DO US ALL A FAVOR AND DROP A DEUS EX MACHINA ON US AL, WILL YA?

"Hey guys! Fourth Wall's come back!"

Huh. I guess Author killed Mr. Therapy. *Shrug* Oh well.

"But- ugh. Alright, let's start this scene again. From the top, people, let's go!"

Green was bored. He had already stalked Red and Blue, hoping to scream 'NO FANSERVICE' at them, but all they did was play poker. Bo-ring! He had watched Blue go Bruce Lee on a Sheikah that had dared to use CAPS LOCKS in his vicinity, but then that got old after the dude's squadron came along. That just wasn't a fair fight; a dozen hardened Sheikah ninjas against Blue. You really had to feel sorry for the squadron.

He had already confiscated Vio's stash of pot and happy pills, and gotten properly beat-up by an irate purple hero. There was nothing to do. He had tried to chat up the Narrator, but it looked like he had learned his lesson from the Sue and was staying quiet. He hadn't spoken in-character since he had returned. It was kinda creepy. He gave him two chapters before he started talking again. So now he was bored. There was nothing to do.

Well, that wasn't true, strictly speaking. There was something he could do. But it was so dreadfully dull that he would rather stand around his room and suffer the awkward narration than go through such unimaginable torture. He flopped down onto his bed. He rolled over. He scratched his chin. He picked his nose. He wiped his findings on his tunic (they just don't come in green dye).

Okay, that was it. He jumped up, and headed for the door. He was going to do it. The one thing he told himself he would never do. He paused at the door, took a deep breath, and cracked his neck. "Show time."

Five minutes later, and Green was standing at the doors to the Sheikah HQ. The place where the Sheikah leaders congregated. This was where all the big decisions got made. Who lives... who dies... all of it was decided here. He would have to be at his best behavior, and he had to be sure to use proper etiquette in addressing the Sheikah elders. He took a deep breath, and threw open the double doors.

It was a stylish place. Glowing sigils on the walls, a disco ball hanging from the ceiling (a maaaagic disco ball), DJ Gibdos playing rap music, and the Sheikah all jumping up and down on a big dance floor, all wearing the exact same deadpan face.

Green looked at the scene for a moment. "Normally, I would say something really cool here. But honestly? I've given up. This world is nuts."

He headed over to the bar, signaling the barman. When in crazy-land...

The barman, a big Goron, headed over. "What'll it be?"

Green looked around him. Everyone was stoned. Hard. If he was going to meet crazy people, he should probably be crazy too. He didn't want to end up like Vio. "Gimme the strongest thing ya' got."

The Goron grunted, and plunked down a mug of a white, creamy drink.

Green sipped it, and gagged. "What is this, milk?"

The Goron grunted again.

Green sighed, and set down his 'drink.' He lashed forward and grabbed the Goron's head, drawing his sword. "Listen, buddy... I'm about to go through the worst thing possible in a story. I don't want to do it sober. Now gimme something that I can waste myself with, or you're gonna meet the pointy end of this stick. Capiche?"

The Goron glared at him.

Green glared back.

He and the Goron then had a staring contest, and Green lost. Duh.

Green stormed away, swearing viciously.

The Goron sighed, and went back to wiping down the bar. Honestly, that kid was something else. How on earth did he expect a hunk of rock to talk to him? And besides, if the so-called 'Hero' had ever bothered to read the Majora's Mask manga, he would know that Milk was loaded with alcohol and other, ah, interesting substances. Ah well. More for him! He turned to the next customer, a black-clothed kid that looked suspiciously familiar...

**DON DON DONNNNNNNNNN!**

_Spoiler Alert! Foreshadowing! Shadow Link X Green X Blue X Red X Vio X Bartender X Force Fairies X Author X EVERYONE! YAY YAOI!_

**I don't think Red and Blue are going to like that... or anyone else... HEY! Not Me! Why am I in this? AND WHY AREN'T YOU? **

_Duh! I'm the GIRLfriend! There are no girls in yaoi! You should know that by now! Plus, I'll be the one holding the video camera! _

**Shhh! The characters'll hear you!**

_Crap, are we still rolling?_

**Sigh...**

Green had no choice. Suicide was no longer an option, now that the Yaoi eight-some was in the Girlfriend's twisted head. He needed to get wasted. Now. He'd have to do it himself. Reaching into the folds of his skirt (and ignoring the Girlfriend's squeal), he pulled out a little baggy that he'd confiscated from Vio earlier. "Well, you know what they say about desperate times..." He emptied the whole bag into his mouth, and downed the contents with a bottle of water.

He promptly OD on happy pills (the pot was in a different baggy. You don't want to know where he put it).

When the Force Fairies had finished healing him, he staggered onto the dance floor over to the nearest Sheikah. "'Scuse me, frriend," he slurred, grabbing the dude's arm. "Where's yer bossie?"

The Sheikah wrenched his arm out of Green's grip. "Dude, watch it! I'm dancin' here!"

Green shook his head like a dog. "No, no, no, that's not what I want!"

"Whatev, man." He started walking away, but Green grabbed his neck and pulled out his sword.

"Maybe you didn't hear me."

One minute later and Green had slid into a seat at the boss' table. "Heyyy guiz. Whaazzup yoooooooooooo?"

The five assembled Sheikah stared at him. "Do you want something?"

Green nodded, leaning over the table. "Oh, yes. Yes, I do! I want it soooo baaad."

An old hag squealed, fanning herself with her wrinkled hand.

"It's exposition time, dudes! Start talking!"

Haggy sank back, disappointed. Poor girl.

"Ah!" The Sheikah in the middle, some random geezer guy, sat up straighter. "You mean it's time for my monologue?"

Green snatched a drink from a passing waitress and took a long drink. "Thash wha' I said."

"Well..." he glanced at an old hag next to him. "What do you want me to talk about?"

A menu appeared in thin air.

_The Mary-Sue._

_ The Maiden & Narrator._

_ Adventure prompt._

Green thought for a second, and selected 'The Mary Sue.' Then he took a deep draft from his drink.

"Well," the Sheikah began, "A long time ago, we did not live under ground like moles. No! We were the ones, who walked in the sun! Then the Sue came along and RUINED EVERYTHING! She decided that she didn't like how we lived in shadows the way we did. She just couldn't accept that we were _friggin shadow ninjas_. Where else would we be? Crazy witch... anyway, she said, 'n00bz! Lite good! Shadow baaaad! LET THERE BE LIGHT!1111' and there was light. EVERYWHERE. Huge balls of light appeared wherever we were at the time. Our sensitive night-vision was inflamed with the bright light, and we were forced to flee our homes! Agents in the field were sighted and killed on the spot, and thus our numbers dwindled to nothing!"

Green stifled a yawn in his drink. Wait. He sat up straight. Weren't those _happy _pills he had taken? WHY WASN'T HE HAPPY? He checked Vio's baggy again.

_Prescription sleeping pills. To be used sparingly for insomniacs, those with anxiety problems, __those who suffer from 'Imsurroundedbyidiots-itis'__, etc. Strong concentration, induces near-immediate drowsiness. To couple with math class means death._

Green stared at the baggy, then at the monologuing old geezer, then at the baggy again. _Oh shi-._

BAM. A stalagmite fell from the ceiling and speared through Green's mug.

_-iiiiiiiiiiiitake mushrooms..._

"And so," Geezer droned on, completely missing the not-so-suble rating reminder, "we came to the caverns. Here, it was dark. Here, it was peaceful. We knew it was our home..."

Green could feel his eyelids drooping. How the heck were strobe lights, rap music, and alcoholic beverages peaceful?

Vaguely, he heard the old man say, "You wanna know how we survived? Well, I'll teach you the geometry of the caves and the artistic and architectural designs necessary for building the arches..."

_SHITAKE! SHITAKE SHITAKE SHITAKE!_

"For centuries, we have been known as the strike in the dark, the force in the shadows, the..."

Green's head started nodding, and he slammed his head into the desk repeatedly. _Stay awake! Stay awake! Stay awake! _

Geezer opened up a PowerPoint Presentation on the nearby wall and began to read. Directly. From. It. "Now, the First Amendment to the United States Constitution was submitted to the States for ratification on September 25, 1789, the same day that Lady Go-go sang her first solo hit, "It's Monday, Monday," in an old Irish pub. Of course, being Irish, they thought it was the 'best feckin' ting since me old man got inta me mam's stockings and danced da can-can.' Oops, was that semi-interesting? I must be slipping! Back to colonial politics! The ancestors of the Tea Party! Yes! Let us begin anew!"

Green groaned. How did they go from 'how do I stop the mad arch-villain' to colonial politics?

_Wait, I thought he clicked on 'The Mary-Sue?' _

**...**

_You forgot the plot again, didn't you?_

**...Author's not here right now, please try again later, or just call back at the beep.**

_...There's no beep._

**Exactly.**

Green groaned. How on EARTH had he gone from whatever he had clicked, to this boring monologue on Hyrule/Shiekan history? It was like High School all over again! Worse, this whole 'acting' thing was supposed to get him OUT of high school!

"How did this happen? What did I do to deserve this?" He said, digging his nails into his wrist.

Elementary, my dear Watson- er, Green! Uhhh, you just... ummm... I got nothing. Remember kids, in the world of comedy, write down your jokes BEFORE you go to the bathroom! That was totally NOT an Author's Note! If it was, it would be in bold and underlined ('cause he's awesome! Duh!). I'm definitely NOT the Author, who's definitely NOT hiding from the rabid Girlfriend (because The Author definitely did NOT happen to p*** the Girlfriend off by saying that 'yaoi was a cruel and unusual way of punishing someone for being awesome.') Yep. Totally incognito.

Here's a second thing to remember, kiddies! When you get a girlfriend (oh yes, it will happen... and rest assured, when it does, I will be there, laughing at your stupidity... oh yes...), when you get a girlfriend (yes, even you shmucks will find a nice lady shmuck who'll shmuck with you over coffee and an edition of Star Trek: The Adventures of Spock!), WHEN YOU GET A GIRLFRIEND, KEEP HER HAPPY! KEEP HER HAPPY! OR ELSE! Just look at me- I mean, the Author! Does the phrase 'going Chuck Norris with Blue's flaming chainsaw on my unsuspecting heiny' mean anything to you? Yeah... she's a _little _upset... but at least it's not as bad as when she-

"I'm _so _sorry to interrupt your rant on your sick love life, but I'm DYING OF BOREDOM HERE!"

Oh yeah, isn't Green in deep do-do right now? I should probably narrate that, huh? Sheesh, this whole 'narrating' thing is so hard! Maybe I shouldn't have fired the Narrator...

"You WHAT?"

Oops, was that out loud?

"YES!"

Huh. Weird.

"JUST NARRATE ALREADY!"

Fine, fine! Sheesh! So pushy!

"Are you alright, sonny?" The Sheikah was kindly looking down at the snippy hero. "You've been yelling at the ceiling for the last few minutes now. Why, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were bored!"

"He-he... imagine that..." Green scratched the back of his neck, embarrassed. Mental note to self: keep ravings at the Author in the privacy of his bedroom.

SHHH! Careful with the innuendo, or _she might hear you!_

"Anyway, where was I? Ramone, do you know where I was?"

…

"Ramone?"

"Oh," Green spoke up, "is that name of that hag? She got picked up by an Elvis-impersonator around an hour ago."

"Ohh..." Geezer was sad.

"You know," Green said hopefully, "I bet you can find her in a back room around here somewhere! You'd impress her if, say, you immediately left me behind in this booth to go beat up the competition!"

Geezer sighed. "No, no, I have to do my duty. Perhaps another time."

"Oh." Green sighed, deflated, and reached for his drink. Then he remembered that a thinly-veiled rating device had pulverized it earlier. "Dangit."

Hey! He's learning! Yay!

"I remember the Flood of '32 like it was yesterday," Geezer was back in full-fledged teacher tone. "Why, back then, we didn't have the fancy-shmancy things you youngsters do nowadays! Why, if we, if we, if we wanted a glass of water, we couldn't pull it out of the 're-fri-ger-a-tor.' Why, my brother Joe made the refrigerator! Eh, where was I?"

"Water." Green groaned into the table. He started smacking his head into it in a vain attempt to end his suffering.

Tsk, tsk! Someone's been spending a little too much time with Vio!

"Why, if we wanted water, we had to hike to the well twenty-miles away! Barefoot! In the snow, uphill! Both ways! Yessiree, those were the days. Back when we were real men, and little twerps knew their place! Yessireebob, those were the days."

Yeah. The days when dinosaurs roamed the earth, and people watched black-and-white television.

Green's muscles collapsed from the combination of the sleeping pills and brain damage induced by repeated head-smashing. He tried vainly to get up, but his body simply would not respond. Where were Force Fairies when you need them?

Oh, they're enjoying the benefits that your immobilized body brings.

Green groaned. "To...explicit...for PG... rating..."

Wha-? Me? I was talking about having a party in your hat, what were _you _thinking about, pervert?

"Just die already..."

"Bla bla bla bla. Bla, bla bla bla bla. Bla bla bla bla. Bla. Bla bla bla bla bla."

Green's eyes closed. It would be so easy to just fall asleep... Geezer probably wouldn't even notice. He was sorely tempted by this idea, but then he remembered the pills' label. If math class meant death, than this would mean... uh... BRAIN-EATING ZOMBINESS! NOOOOOOOO!

He pulled his cell phone from his hat and started texting his agent. He waited for a few seconds, and reached into his hat. This was where he kept all his items. Yes. All of them. He pulled out a black mask and placed it over his face. The All-Night-Mask, taken by his agent from the Majora's Mask storage shed, washed away all the pill-induced exhaustion. Green knew that he would be able to stay awake all night with this thing on.

Shadow Link sighed, leaning his elbows on the bar. He was not supposed to be introduced until the next chapter, and yet... he felt the need to interject himself awkwardly into the chapter.

He smirked slightly, and downed his cup, belching. This was great! Now he could have a whole scene dedicated to him! He would go on awesome adventures, get a G-friend, go through life-learning experiences, and settle down somewhere, completely happy and-

Ramone (that hag from earlier) ran squealing after a mostly-naked Elvis, dressed only in a handtowel. She passed the bar, and somewhere in her hormones she noticed its condition. It looked like Arnold Shwarz-a-stalagmite had crushed the whole thing. Shame. Oh, umph, Elvis was taking off his towel behind a booth! Umph, time to have some fuuun!

Okay. Here's where I'm supposed to write out the dull monologues and what happened next, but that'd be boring. Plus... I'm dead lazy. Ohh, did da 'widdle baby want to hear what da big bad ninja had to say? Tough.

Yeah, that's right! NARRATOR'S BACK, BABY! The Author realized how insanely awesome I am and rehired me. Well, to tell you the truth, he never exactly fired me (unless you count allowing one of your employees to get chucked headfirst into Hell), but... well, nobody ever accused the Author of making sense...

Actually, this isn't my first appearance. Remember that poker scene? That was my audition piece that I submitted. You may be wondering why I didn't say anything in character then. Well... let's just say I wasn't in a talking mood. That place that that effing Sue sent me to... well... let's just say it wasn't fun (_shudders_).

Besides, if I don't talk to the characters, they won't talk back. That means that I won't be involved in their stupidity anymore! Yay! But don't worry, my loyal fans, you haven't seen the last of this Narrator! I'll still be just as snide and cynic and sarcastic as always. I just won't talk to the characters. They'll think I'm mute!

Well... it'll be that way 'til I get bored.

It'll be our little secret!

Shhhh!

Alright, to summarize the monologues (yes, I like that word). The geezer ranted on and on-

{And on and on and ON AND ON}

about-

{ABSOLUTELY NOTHING}

-the Mary Sue for a while, then he got all excited about the prospect of imprisoning the Sue in chains of darkness (it didn't occur to the wise hero to speak up on the Sue's behalf). He also began to ramble about things he'd _like _to do to her-

{Perv}

-but couldn't because of all the stuck-up tightwads he was sharing power with. He had to excuse himself after a while because of his bad bladder.

{Yeah, it was definitely his bad bladder that needed attention}

I'm actually disappointed. The dude had a good imagination. I'm gonna have to use some of those ideas next time Blue decides to be an A-hole.

{Shouldn't take long}

Nothing could be proved, of course.

Green selected the third option on the menu (I didn't let him pick the second one [The Maiden & The Narrator]. I already knew what had happened, so why should we waste time listening to it?). The third option was 'Adventure Prompt.' Short, sweet, and to the point.

I want to tell you what the prompt was, but I've been told that I shouldn't. Something about 'tension.' Please. Like anyone's going to care enough about this piece of crap story to feel 'tension' anywhere in their body at any part of this stupid story. Unless you're a yaoi fangirl. Pervert.

{Hey! I said that!}.

SHUT UP AUTHOR! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TRACKED ME DOWN AND PULLED ME OUT OF HAWAII! I was having fun with mai-tais and hula girls, but nooooooooooo, you had to _rip _me back here! I WAS SAFE FROM THESE IDIOTS!

{Ummm... you know you weren't in Hawaii, right? You were in Hell. Being chased by a horde of rabid Tingles. That's about as far away from 'mai-tais and hula girls' as you can get. Besides... didn't you audition for this role? Confusion.}

...SCRUD CONTINUITY!

{Sigh.}

Can you stop talking like me? THIS IS GETTING CONFUSING!

{Not really. Besides, my **bold **and undlerline combo attracts... _her...}_

Her?

{Yes! _Her! _She's not happy with me...}

Why? Is this still about your yaoi-bashing?

{Ummm... sorta... let's just say, that little spat inspired the, ah, _events_ of next chapter. I'm editing myself in here (I thought I'd be safe IN THE PAST!).}

What do you-

{All will be clear... in time...}

But-

{JUST FOLLOW THE SCRIPT, WOMAN!}

Sheesh! Fine! Ahem.

So, Green had been wasting away in the room of deadness, when all of a sudden Vaati appeared from nowhere in his awesomely awesome way.

"OMG! It's Vaati!" Cried our super-awesome hero Green!

"Mwa-hahahah!" Cried our super-awesome villain Vaati!

"Vatai!" green pulled out the Foursome Sword. "I will end u!"

"Green!" VAAtit pulled huge gusts of air from thin air and threw them at the G-hero! "Prepair to dei!"

DON-DON-DOOOOOONNNNNNNN!

Green flipped over the Shieka's heads, who were all screaming at the awesomeness of the awesome battle taking place in fron of them.

"Vaati, I am here to take you out!" Green leveled his sword at Vaati's neck, for the villain had been overcome by the awesomeness of his awseome flip.

Vaati gluped, all 2 aware off the hot swaet trickling down the heroe's neck. He saw the rippling muscles through his thin, thin shirt, and could smell his sweaty sweantess.

"On a dat!" Green blushed lal cutesy like, and cgot on 1knee, bring out flowers. "Vaats, will u b my boux?"

"O greeny-poo!" Vaati squealed, throwing his arms aroudn Green's shoulders, and holding his sweaty body tight to himself. Umph. "Of course I will!"

They thn procceeded to have massive hot make outness. Umph. When they finished, the Shieka 'awwwwed' all happy like and threw flowers at the knew coulple.

Vaati blushed. "Green, will you take care of me?"

Green gripped the erstwhile villain's shoulders tightly (now that thye were dating, Vaati was not evil- Green's heroic power had penetrated through Vaati, dispelling all evillnesss in a euphoria of pleasureful happpiness). "Of course I will, Vatts."

"Oh green.

"oh Vats."

And dy lived hapily ever after! SQWUUEUEUEUUEEEE!  
>Then the couple checked their reviews, and saw these messages.<p>

_ Yoailovah) OMG there so CTEU together! SQUEEEE! GREENXVAATI 4EVAH!_

LxDL69ftw!111) _UMPH! MORE! I WANT MORE!_

_ Anity-say) WHAT THE HELL WA_S _THAT? _

_ Yoailovah) Flamer! _

_ LxDL69ftw!111) HOW DOARE U SPOIL THERE LOVE?_

_ Yoailovah) I'm CALLing the Mods on u! There' gonna ban you for your flaminess!_

_ ' Anity-say_' was now banned from the story, and Green and Vaats lived happily ever after. YAAAAAAAYYY!

When Green was finished with his yaoi-ness, the two happily parted ways, after swearing to never speak of what they had done together again, and to keep there little 'party' between themselves. They passionaitly cissed, andt Green left the room, leaving behind the Shiekah to put up their recordings on Youtube and Facebook for the whole world to see. ^_^

Green found Red and Blue in the rec. room, chatting up some Sheikah chicks. They weren't hot, but the heroes hadn't seen any girls (Sue doesn't count) for a _long _time, so they didn't really care too much. Blue was fuming in the corner because the girls were turned off by his obnoxious attitude (he insisted they couldn't see his charm. Idiot.) and instead they were all over Red, squealing about his 'adorableness.' Uh, okay...

Green ripped the two 'heroes' from the ladies' attentions, and dragged them with him in his quest to find Vio. Blue was still sulking and Red was dazed, happily covered in red lipstick marks.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-;_

Meanwhile, Vio was happily engaged in a book on draconian physiology. It was very interesting. Detailing individual species of dragons in vivid color, the book was a must-have for draconian hunters, adventurers, and random shmucks who wanted to know what to do if a dragon the size of the US debt was staring them down.

He smiled, and turned the page. The Sheikah library was quiet. No drunk whispers invaded its still halls. Why? Nobody was geeky enough to be there. All the other Sheikah were either doing ninja training or dancing under the influence of various questionable substances. He'd already made friends with the librarian. A rather delightful woman, that. Not a Sue. THANK GOD! He studied a depiction of the Holodrum Hollifly.

I studied it to, but found it boring, so MOVING ON.

Vio breathed deeply, looking around the vast, empty chamber. It was so peaceful here, and there were so many books. Books on adventure, books on history, books on battle tactics, books on every subject imaginable. He smiled. This was the life. Those days with Blue, Red, and Green were like a bad dream to him here. This was his sanctuary. He reached into his pocket for his prescription anti-anxiety pills, but stopped. He didn't need them. He rose from his wooden chair and headed towards the hearth-fire. He looked at the fire. He looked at his pills.

It was stupid, insane. He knew it. Knew that they moment _they _came back, he would regret it, knew that he would come to need these pills again. Heck, he'd grown dependent on them these last few months. The time Green took away his prescription pills, he'd gone into withdrawal and fell into a coma. Then one of Green's Force Fairies brought him back (apparently the little buggers had been stalking him o.O). Throwing them in the fire was stupid. He knew the proper procedure. Wean yourself off the pills under the supervision of a professional therapist/doctor person. But all this was worthless supposition if he would just be sucked back into the effin' story.

He sighed, and put away the pills. There was no way he could do that. Even if he turned invisible, the Author would just shove the four of them together again using a half- baked plot device.

Wait.

Of course! The Author was all that stood between him and freedom! All he had to do was convince the Author to give him some time off (and considering he was writing this, it was probably going to happen). But what argument would be convincing enough to make the Author let go of one of his prime sources of humor?

Hmmmm...

Duh. "HEY AUTHOR! IF YOU LET ME GO, I'LL BABY-SIT NAVI UNTIL THE END OF THE STORY!"

**DONE.**


	6. Where Dreams Come True

**CHAPTER 5.5**

**~Where dreams come true~**

"I wonder what horrible tortures the Sheikah are subjecting the Sue to right now?"

Far away, deep in the underground city of Sheikotopia..._ ~where dreams come true~_

"EEEEEEK! NOT THAT! ANYTHING BUT THAT! SOMEBODY _HEEEEEELLLLP!_"

"He-he-he... nobody's coming to help you, Sue... we're deep underground and there's _nobody to hear you scream..._"

As the Sue scrabbled against the wall, sobbing desperately for help, the Sheikah's right-hand man leaned close to him and whispered, "Sir, are you sure this is the right thing to do? I mean-"

"Still your conscience, soldier," the boss-man said, "they have their orders. Frighten only. No-no kill-kill. And besides... one of them has been waiting for this for a very long time..."

In the isolated dungeon room..."NOOOOOO! THE HORROR! THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR OF THE... _MICE!_"

"_AHAHAHA! RODENTS OF DOOM, **ATTACK**_!"

"NOOOOO!"

"**BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA**_squeak!_ Curses, not again!"

The Sue shook her head, banging it against her knees. "There's no place like my walk-in Prada closet! There's no place like my Masseur's candle-lit pad! There's no place like Victoria's Secret!"

"Oh, yes... fear for your life, Sue... for I have called in two of my bestest warriors..."

From the depths of the gloom, two figures emerged, their large ears quivering in anticipation. The first was wearing overalls. The second? A polka-dotted red dress, a bow, and high heels. Both were sporting white gloves. Of dooooom.

Their eyes stared unblinkingly at the Sue, creepy smiles plastered across their unmoving faces. "Time to play, kiddies!"

"NO!" She screamed, scrabbling against the stone wall. "Not them! Anything but them!"

The one in a dress spoke, squeaky voice grating against the Sue's white tender ears. "Who's the leader of the band that's made for you and me?"

"M-I-C..."

The Sue sobbed. "not the song! Please, not the song!"

"K-E-Y..."

Together, in a devilish chorus of devils and choruses they chorused, "M-O-U-S-E!"

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait guys. I didn't really want to come back to this after the trainwreck that was Chapter Six. *shudders* That chapter should have stayed in my demented mind. Anyway... here's a little mini-chapter. The (already written) NEW Chapter Six (which is totally unrelated to the *other* chapter (that's what that's going ****to be called from now on- the *other* chapter)) will be uploaded on Wednesday.****]**

**See ya later! Ciao! Mmmm... ciao-ming... Chinese food... I WANNA DUMPLING! MOMMY, CAN I HAVE A DUMPLING?**

_NO!_

***Sulks* That's my Mom, alright. That feel when the A/N is longer than the chapter.**

***Laughs maniacally* See ya later!**


	7. Insert chapter here

Chapter Six

[Insert Chapter Name Here]

**[Insert groveling Author's Note, including the "WHAT THE HELL FANFICTION I DELETED THAT CHAPTER" scream here.]**

**[Insert Author running in at the last moment, narrowly dodging the Girlfriend's 'you are laaaaate' evening smack here.]**

**[Insert the Author doing something TOTALLY UNEXPECTED- like, uh, getting a puppy or turning all of Hyrule into a strawberry shortcake filled with chocolate fudge goodness and smothered in knee-high whipped cream and sprinkled with rainbow sprinkles and when the Song of Storms was played, CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM fell from the skies, and the Triforce was a gold-plated chocolate triangle piece, and the sun was actually a lemon marangue pie, and the Girlfriend yanks the story back on track before this insert takes up a whole page. Here.]**

[Insert overwhelmingly cliché beginning here.]

[Insert description of the heroes here.]

[Insert lame-o description of Red here.] "[Insert Red's stupidity here.]"

[Insert Blue traumatizing Red here.]

[Insert Narrator 'accidentally' damaging Blue here.]

[Insert Author yelling at Narrator here.]

[Insert Girlfriend yelling at Author for not putting in enough yaoi here.]

[Insert random pop culture references here.]

[Insert Girlfriend bringing in Tingle.]

[Insert Tingle being…well…Tingle. AKA: Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really Really creepily perverted. Here.]

[Insert Narrator 'accidentally' hurting Tingle here.]

[Insert Tingle coming back to life here.]

[Insert Narrator having fun torturing him here.]

[Insert Girlfriend's fan-gasm at that statement here.]

[Insert Author's eyeroll here.]

[Insert some BluexRed innuendos here.]

[Insert Girlfriend's fainting from the (quote-unquote) 'sheer hotness' of it here.]

[Insert Green thwacking Red and Blue and the Girlfriend (somehow) here.]

[Insert the Force Fairies bringing them back here.]

[Insert Author giving the Force Fairies the gift of vocal cords here.]

[Insert Green's suicide here.]

[Insert the Force Fairies bringing them back here.]

[Insert the Force Fairies using CAPS LOCK here.]

[Insert Blue's mindless rampage with his flaming chainsaw (of dooooom!) here.]

[Insert a completely random geological phenomenon striking Blue's head here.]

[Insert the Force Fairies being too preoccupied with Green's photo shoot (swim calender edition) to care. Here.]

[Insert Mary Sue here.]

[Insert crappy plot device here.]

[Insert death of Mary Sue here.]

[Insert collective cheer and part-aaaaay here.]

[Insert random Durarara references here.]

[Insert Green going off to watch Durarara to see what everyone was laughing about here.]

[Insert Author's 'hint-hint-wink-wink-nudge-nudge-poke-poke-SLAM W/MALLET' here.]

[Insert Girlfriend reading that and thinking, 'wha-? W topping MALLET? Hmmm… I can dig it!' here.]

[Insert Author breathing sigh of relief because the Girlfriend went off to write W/MALLET fanfiction here.]

[Insert the fans revolting because the story was too much about the Author and the Girlfriend here.]

[Insert Author's assurances that there were more of the Links to come. Hm? Oh, here. Sheesh, it's 3rd grade all over again here.]

[Insert rant on the awesomeness of Ocarina of Time here.]

[Insert thinly veiled foreshadowing here.]

[Insert random LEGEND OF ZELDA character that we will never see again here.]

[Insert Author's fan-gasm at LEGEND OF ZELDA here.]

[Insert some inside joke that only the Author and Girlfriend will understand here.]

[Insert laughter here.]

[Insert boring, necessary, lame attempt at plot filler here.]

[Insert characters' general apathy to plot here.]

[Insert Author & Girlfriend getting frustrated at the characters here.]

[Insert bolts of litening chasing the heroes around here.]

[Insert Girlfriend kicking the Author's tooshie back to 1st grade to learn how to spell here.]

[Insert alliterical swears here because the A & G only just now remembered about them here.]

[Insert Girlfriend getting bored and leaving Author alone to finish the chapter here.]

[Insert Author's party here.]

[Insert Author's brainfart here.]

[Insert more boring filler here.]

[Insert Shadow Link here.]

[Insert Shadow Link's emo-ness at not being introduced earlier here.]

[Insert nobody caring here.]

[Insert Shadow Link being upset because he doesn't get to say anything here.]

[Insert nobody caring here.]

[Insert Shadow Link's name getting shortened because the Author's too dang lazy to type it here.]

[Insert nobody caring here.]

[Insert SL attempting suicide here.]

[Insert nobody caring here.]

[Insert SL taking happy pills here.]

[Insert nobody caring here.]

[Insert Vio taking a break from Navi-watching to seriously maim SL for stealing his shtick here.]

[Insert SL crying in the lonely dark lonely cold and lonely emo-corner with the Fourth Wall writing bad poetry about his feelings. Here.]

[Insert more general apathy here.]

[Insert some SL/Fourth Wall hurt/comfort snuggling here.]

[Insert the Author breaking them apart for $hites and giggles here.]

[Insert nobody caring here.]

[Insert SL destroying Hyrule because nobody cares here.]

[Insert SL torching the Sue's personal line of high-heeled Prada shoes here.]

[Insert collective gasp here.]

[Insert the Sue Freddie Krueger-ing SL and **[insert horrible punishment that's beyond imagination in this insert within an insert within an insert chapter here (INCEPTION!)** here.]

[Insert the Metropolitan Museum of Art getting a new ash pretzel piece here.]

[Insert critics calling it a 'lame attempt to replicate a high Olympian Gymnast in the "Heat of the Moment"' here.]

[Insert the Sue reversing time (again) to save her sparkly shoes here.]

[Insert the Author getting bored here.]

[Insert Author falling asleep here.]

[Insert the Girlfriend borrowing Blue's flaming chainsaw here.]

[Insert Author waking up here.]

[Insert the Girlfriend joining SL and the Fourth Wall in the emo corner because the Author left their writing snuggy for soda and potato chips here.]

[Insert Author pulling the Girlfriend out of the corner here.]

[Insert Author leaving SL in the emo corner because nobody gives a rat's shat about him here.]

[Insert random half-tooshied attempt to make a cliffhanger here.]

[Insert collective gasp here.]

[Insert end of chapter here.]

[Insert boring Author's notes here.]

[Insert negative reviews here.]

[Insert the Author not reading them because he's currently sitting in his dark media room playing his copy of SKYWARD SWORD- which is TOTALLY AWESOME, by the way- here.]

[Insert the Girlfriend sighing and taking control of the story here.]

[Insert the Author going 'meh, w/evs' here.]

[Insert the Author's funeral here.]

[Insert the Girlfriend lauhing maniacally over the Author's grave with lightning flashing in the background here]

[Insert the few mourners staring at the Girlfriend here.]

[Insert the Girlfriend coughing awkwardly and 'moe-ping' away (think King Zora from OoT) here.]

[Insert... uhhhh... something here.]

[Insert arrow pointing at Review Button because the Author's too dang lazy to make one himself here.]


	8. Let the Prank Wars Begin!  Or not

Chapter Seven

Let the prank wars begin!

**A/N: Witness the failed attempt at beginning a Prank War. **

_G/N: Witness the failed attempt at actually having a plot._

_**A/G/N: YAAAAAY FOR NO-PLOTINESS!**_

**RANDOMNESS! STUPIDITY! INANITY! START! YOUR! ENGINES!**

_VRRROOOOOOMMM! NYYAAAAAAA-PHSSHHHCCCHHHHHHHHH-EEEEH *sccrrrrrreeeeeeeech* WATCH OUT-BOOOOOOOM-GAGAAAHHHH! THE FIREY BURNING AGONY OF FIREY DOOM AND DEATH AND AAAAAAAH!_

**PLOT! Where are you? Oh wait; we don't have one! Yaaay! ON WITH THE "STORY!"**

_ "_Guyyyys, I don't WANNA put Purple Chu jelly in Ganondorf's shampoo bottle!" Red whined, dragging his feet in the dirt behind the others.

Blue rolled his eyes, tugging on Red's arm. "C'mon, Red, it'll be fun!"

"But Bluuuuuuuuuuuuuue... I DON'T WANNA!" Red dug his heels into the ground and crossed his arms stubbornly. "I'm not doing it! Hmph!"

Blue whirled around. "WE'RE DOING IT WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT!"

Din awoke from her century long power nap when her daughter, Minerva, barged into her room. "Mother, did you hear that?"

Din yawned, stretching. "No, I didn't. What's the matter, did your line of Vera Bradley high-heeled shoes get torched again?"

Minerva bounced up and down happily. "No, no, Red and Blue made another sexual innuendo!"

"SQUUUUUEEEEEEE!" Din was fully awake, jumping up and down on her bed herself, and scrambling over to her bedside mirror. "Fangirl's mirror by my bed, show me what the lovebirds said!"

The mirror shimmered and swirled, until the stalker's- oops, I totally meant fangirl's- mirror showed Blue's face inches from Red, his face just as red as his victim's tunic. "YOU'RE GOING TO PUT IT IN IF IT'S THE LAST THING YOU DO!"

Far, far away, in a whole 'nother dimension, Ganondorf was staring at his Triforce piece, wondering why it had just erupted in bright gold light. Perhaps it was a sign of blessing from his patron goddess, Din? Was it finally time to make his move on Hyrule? If Din said it was, then it was probably the right time. Yeah, the same Din that he knocked up at the beginning. Good times, good times...

Din stared eagerly at the duo. "C'mon... closer... _closer..._NO!" That green idiot had just pulled them apart, saying that Red could make them beef stew instead. Red had skipped off _away from Blue!_

"NO! THIS CANNOT BE!"

Cue overly-dramatic exit. Plenty of wind, lightning, and ominous music. Along with bubbles, rainbows, pink flowers, and the "Junjou Romantica" theme song in the background (that yaoi 'song' that the Girlfriend made the Author listen to while tied upside down to the rafters).

Minerva sighed. "So dramatic... I'm glad _I'm _not anything like that."

A butler hustled in. "Your Prettiness, a new Vera Bradley line has arrived!"

"SQUUUUUEEEEEEEE! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG!"

Cue overly-dramatic exit. Plenty of wind, lightning, and ominous music. Along with bubbles, rainbows, pink flowers, but this time, the "Junjou Romantica" song was replaced with that "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it _hurts" _song.

The Jeeves knock-off sighed. "As always, I am left to clean up the Mistress' mess." He looked around at the bubble soap coating the room, the scorch marks, and dead flowers on the bed. "Despair. Shock. Anguish. Sigh."

A servant ran in. "Hey Jeeves-knockoff #271, there's a second-rate monocle & wristwatch combo sale over at the Wayne's department store!"

"SQUUUUUUUUUEEEEEE!"

-FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO-

Red hummed happily over the steaming pot of stew. "Stew, stew, gonna make some yummy stew. Stew, stew, making stew. For. Mah. Friends! And Blue!" Red paused, nodding at the pot. "It rhymes, see?"

The pot did not respond. It never did. Red had almost cried the first few times ('Why are you so mean, pot?' _Thwack! Thwack! '_Red, what happened to dinner?' 'It doesn't understand me!'), but he had long since gotten used to its silence.

"Red... Red..."

Red continued to hum. "Stew, stew, stew, stew..."

"Red... Red... ooooOOoOooOOOoo... Red..."

"Stew, stew, stewie stew for Blue! Yay!"

"Red? Reeeed? RED!"

"YAAA! Who's there?"

"Sheesh, finally! You're denser than Dwayne's deltoids! Mmmm... yum..."

"SQUEEEEEEE!" Red danced up and down happily.

"Dwayne lovers, UNITE!"

"Huh?" Red tilted his head confusedly. "Oh, sorry, did you say something?"

"Dwayne's deltoids, man, Dwayne's deltoids!"

"What about them? I'm... I'm just so happy that pot-pot talked BACK TO ME! **[insert one page of yays ****here****- wait, wasn't that last chapter? Whatever.**** Here.****]**"

"Uhh... anyway... I am your pot! The pot of, uh, magicy potness and knowledge of all things potty!"

"Like Harry Potter 'potty'?"

"Mmmmm... Snary/Drarry... yum..."

"Well, I dunno who Snary and Drarry are, but okay!"

"Anyway, I am using my potty wisdom to tell you about Blue!"

"Blue! ZOMG, is he okay?"

"Not for long he isn't! He's been cursed with Beiber hair!"

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Red fell to the ground, sobbing. "Why? BLUE! DON'T TAKE THE ESTROGEN PILLS!" He winked at the audience. "That's my job!"

*Half the audience face-palmed. The other half was rushed to the emergency room for literally fangirling their heart out. Heart, not hearts. They're all part of one great bee-hive mind. IT'S A CONSPIRACY, MAN!*

"But wait! It isn't too late to get your anti-Beiber hair product, for eight easy payments of 9.95!"

Red looked up, suspiciously. "I dunno... that still seems like a lot..."

"Free shipping and handling if you act now!"

"Hmmm..."

"5...4...3..."

"Deal!" Red pulled out his wallet, and withdrew a red rupee. He paused. "Oh... I don't know how to split this..."

"Oh, that's okay," said the magic pot in a strangely feminine voice, "I can keep the change, that way you won't have to destroy that _gorgeous _red jems!"

The pot spasmed. "SUE, GET OFF THE LINE!"

"MY NAME IS MINERVA! EVEN MY OWN MOTHER DOESN'T KNOW MY NAME!"

Minerva then joined the Fourth Wall, Shadow Link, and the Girlfriend in the (extremely crowded) Emo Corner. Of course, now it was more like the Emo Room, but still. Room gives the place a sense of social-ness and friendship that does NOT belong in the Emo Corner. In fact, all four people bonded over their misery and through long trials and hardships they became friends and pulled each other out of depression together. Of course, then the Author got bored with the Room, with its touchy-feeling emotions, and decided to go back in time and destroy it. Cue world's smallest violin. Cue Author's ^_^ face.

**Okay!**** ^_^**

Cue the Girlfriend dumping the Author for being an insensitive douchebag. Cue the Author crawling into the Emo Room in his misery, then realizing that he had destroyed it and fall into what literary British smart-asses call 'irony.'

Cue sudden and abrupt return to plot, where the magic pot-pot convinced our dumb hero to give it twenty rupees instead of 9.95.

"Okay!" Red happily handed over the red rupee. "So that's seven monthly payments of red rupees, then?"

"Monthly? AHAHAHAHAHHA-no. Eight easy payments of red rupees _now."_

"Oh...but I don't have that much."

The pot sighed, exhaling a cloud of smoke. "That's too bad... I'll just have to take my amazing antidote to someone else... like Selena Gomez. Maybe she can cure the source of the epidemic."

Red grabbed the pot, then screamed and pulled his burnt hands away. "No! Wait!" He dove for his companions' sleeping bags, and grabbed all their wallets. "Between us, we should be able to buy that antidote! Don't worry Blue, help is on the way!"

- FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO-

Green halted in the woods, causing Blue to crash into him.

"Hey! Watch where you're going, you moron!"

Green waved the comment aside. "Hey Blue, tell me something."

"Sure."

"Did we really leave Red at the campsite with matches and all our stuff?"

"...By Palutena's ample bosom, what have we done? Holy crossover, Green, what do we do?"

"Quick! To the BatMobile!"

- FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO -

_ "_Are you _sure _this'll work?"

"Yes, dear, now _hold still!"_

"I dunno, this feels weird..."

"Honey, it's for Blue. Do you want him to stay a Beiber impersonator forever?"

"No! I like Blue's hair just the way it is!"

"Awwwww! Now hold still, they're almost here!"

- FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO -

Green and Blue crash-landed the BatCopter by their sleeping bag. S. Sleeping bagS. Perverts!

"Hey Blue, why are we in the BatCopter? I thought we left in the BatMobile?"

"Because the Author's a lazy shathole, that's why."

Now now Blue, no swearing! Remember, pain is only a phone call away!

"Narrator! Haven't seen you in a while..."

...Um, duh? Invisible entity from the sky, remember? Sheesh, you've gotten even stupider since the last time I saw you! Didn't think it was possible, but...

"Hmph. That's Narrator alright. So-"

Shh! Not now, we're already in the middle of a joke!

"But-"

LATER!

Green clambered out of the BatCopter irritably. Blue, however, stayed put.

"Blue?"

Blue grunted. "Didn't you hear him? We're in the middle of a joke! And there is no flippin' way that I'm getting out of the BatCopter. The Author's sick sense of humor isn't funny when it's directed at me."

~_Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call! Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call!~_

"Huh. What's that?" Green asked, puzzled.

It's a crossover! ...It's Pokemon, dum-dums! Sheesh! How could you NOT know that in episode number two, Ash calls his mom from Viridian's Pokemon Center and she whipped off her mask and answered her phone which was singing that song! HONESTLY, WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN?

"What is that?" Green wondered aloud.

"Weren't you listening?" Blue asked.

"Not really," Green said, "I mostly veg out when the Author starts geeking. It's like Geometry class all over again."

Blue sighed. "Just pretend that you know what's going on *cough it's a phone* so you don't flame the author off."

"Right. Duh." Green rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "...Well? You gonna answer it or what?"

Blue gave him one of those _I'm sorry you're slow_ looks. "Of course not! We're in a glorified Middle Ages setting here! Why on Earth- I mean, _Hyrule_, would I answer a cell phone?"

Green did what the fanfic n00bs call a 'facepalm.' "You're talking to a fellow actor who's pretending to be a part of your subconscious, after just finishing arguing with the Narrator while sitting in a jacked out version of the BatMobile-"

BatCopter!

"Whatever, debating whether or not to answer your cell phone. I think the whole 'Medieval setting's as trashed as the rating."

"But-"

"Just answer the cell phone, you stupid excuse for a multi-celled homo sapien!"

"...That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

"JUST ANSWER THE STUPID PHONE!"

"Fine, fine!" Blue sighed, exasperated, and pulled out his phone. He clicked it open. "He-yo, this is Blue-Man speaking, wassup homie?"

_Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call! Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call!_

"Wha-?" Blue stared at his phone, then held it to his ear. "It's not coming from this..." He looked around the BatCopter. "Maybe..."

It took a few seconds, but eventually Blue discovered the source of the mysterious ticking noise.

It's a pipe bomb! Yay!

_Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call! Ring ring ring, ring ring ring, phone call, phone call!_

"Or not. Farore, that gets annoying..." Blue looked around awkwardly. The noise was coming out of the speaker, but what did he push? The whole friggin plane was just a bunch of flickering lights! "Hmm... well, when in Rome..." He flicked a few overhead switches, and pushed a few blinking buttons. "Incoming message. Standby!"

…

"Well," Green sighed, "we stood by. Now push the big glowing 'PHONE' button next to your face."

"Oh." Blue punched it. "Yello?"

_"I am Batman."_

"Oh, hey B-man! Whassup?"

"_...um... sorry, I'm from the pre-60s era. I don't understand your newfangled hip lingo, sonny."_

"Oh, okay gramps. Why are you calling me?"

"_Well, I woke up and went to my garage this morning, and guess what I found?"_

"A frosted strawberry mocha with a cherry on top?"

"_No, I-wha? How the heck did YOU know that? D- did Robin tell you that?"_

"Um, no... I guessed."

"_...oh. Well, anyway, I went to my garage, and lo and behold, I was missing one vehicle."_

Blue yawned. The BatCopter started humming.

"_And guess what?" _

The BatCopter began to glow dangerously. Blue stopped yawning, and looked around nervously.

"_I don't like people stealing my ride."_

Blue's eyes snapped open. "Nayru's naughty nighties!" He dove out of the car.

"_This message will now self-destruct. Have a nice day!"_

Fifteen seconds later, Green grinned at a blackened Blue. "Hey Blue, guess what? It really was a pipe bomb!"

Like I said, Blue. Pain is only a phone call away. How's THAT for a literary device?

- FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO -

"~Stew, stew, stew, stew!~"

"Please stop."

"But I always sing while I make stew!"

"You've been singing 'stew' nonstop for the last hour."

"Not true! I said 'stewie' a few times! GASP! I made a South Park reference! ^_^"

". . . Family Guy. Not South Park. And how did you say '^_^?' GAH! You hurt my brain... Blue, please hurry up..."

"So... how does this work again?"

"Oh, it's simple Red. That lipstick you're wearing contains the antidote to Beiber hairness. All you have to do is get that lipstick on his lips."

"Oh, okay! But, uh, why am I dressed like this?"

"...Because you look pretty in it."

"Yay!"

- FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO -

Blue and Green raced over to the pot of stew. "Red?" Green called, looking around at the deserted campsite. Red wasn't there. That's why it was deserted. Duh.

Meanwhile, Blue was helping himself to some of the stew. "Mmmm... yum..."

"Blue!" Green rounded on him. "What are you doing? That's evidence!"  
>Blue continued to ladle the Dinty Moore beef stew into his mouth. "Yep. I'm examining the evidence."<p>

That's been translated, obviously. The original phrase would have been something like 'Ahm exahmen de evigensh,' but really, nobody wants to read that.

Green stared at him. "What?"

Blue rolled his eyes, and somehow swallowed the gigantic portions he had just shoveled into his mouth. "_gulp! _I said, I'm examining the evidence."

"Yeah. Right." Green placed his hands on his hips and glared at the hero. "You don't care, do you? Red's missing, and here you are eating stew!"

"But I-"

"I don't want to hear it!" Green interrupted wildly. He paced back and forth, in full lecture mode once more. "Our friend is in danger, and I'll be darned if I let you let him let himself get kidnapped!"  
>"Green, I was just-"<p>

"No, no, no! He's in trouble! We should be scouring the forest, not appeasing your stomach!"

Blue bashed him on the head with the wooden ladle and glared at him. "If I could continue?"

Green opened his mouth to speak, and Blue bashed him on the head again. Green crumpled. "This... isn't what we should be doing..." he leapt to his feet. "Onwards! To Red!" He began to make large, overdramatic strides away from the campsite.

"Well," Blue huffed, "I was just going to tell you that judging by the heat and consistency of the stew, and taking into account the fact that the logs under the pot are still warm, it is likely that Red is in the immediate area. Also, Red appears to have spilt stew on the ground at some point in time. He would have stepped in it when he left. We can use the trail to track him down. But, like you said, what could I know?"

Green's jaw was playing maid for the twigs. "Humenahumenahumena-"

Blue smacked him on the head with the spoon again. "Idiot. I'm kidding."

Green stared at him.

"What, do you really think that Red would spill stew? If he did, he'd be on the ground, in the fetal position, crying tears of sorrow over the spilt delicousness of the stew."

There was a rustle behind them, and they turned to see Red unzip the entrance to the medical tent. "Hey guys! Just needed to put some bandages on my hands..."

"We have a medical tent?" Blue wondered. "We're broke! We don't even have a First Aid kit? It's like Team Rocket! Always starving to death, but they always have ginormous robots and the Meowth Balloon! Oh, wait, never mind... they're just stupid."

And this is different from you guys HOW?

"...Point taken."

"RED!" Green rushed at the hero and enveloped him in a huge hug. "YOU'RE OKAY!"

Red pat him on the back. "Yeppers!"

"Hey Red, does stew whistle?" Blue asked.

Red looked curiously at him over Green's shoulder. "No, why do you ask?"

"Oh." Blue looked strangely at the pot. "It was nothing; it just seemed like that pot over their was squealing. Weird."

Green let go of Red, and stared at him awkwardly. "Umm, Red? What, uh... what are you wearing?"

Red was sporting a lovely sparkling red dress that ended at the thigh at one end and his left ankle at the other. He wore rose-red lipstick and a sparkling ruby tiara.

He giggled and spun around. "I fEeL PurTy!"

"Ummm...Red?" Blue walked up cautiously to the giggling boy. "Remember that little talk we had about boys and girls?"

"Oh! Blue!" Red rushed at him, and Blue yelped, jumping backwards, narrowly avoiding the pot, which was now hyperventilating into a paper bag. YES, IT CAN HAPPEN! ACCEPT THE PLOT! ACCEPT IT!

Red glomped onto Blue, crying, "don't worry Blue, I'll save you!"

"From what- mmmm" Blue's cry was suddenly muffled, but by what, we couldn't see- Red's body obscured the view of both yours truly and the magical pot.

Said pot-head squealed reaaaaally loudly. Somewhere in North Afri-Hylia, a lone yaoi fangirl lifted her head. "Yes... it is time... finally..." she whipped out her computer and typed out three words. "They. Did. It."

This just in! Police and medical examiners are baffled by the sudden influx of collapsed teenage girls and lone single moms! No signs of illness or injury can be detected, although husbands and younger brothers report that a piercing scream of, 'OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG GAAAAAAAH' could be heard shortly before the subject crashed into the ground. Eyewitnesses in StarCrust and McDunkin claim that the subjects passed out from hyperventilation and 'fangirling their hearts out on the bar tables.'

Back to our heroes...

"There!" Red said, drawing his smudged hand away from Blue's lips. "You're all better! The horrible infestation of da BEAVER will spread no more!"

The Heroes cheered. "YAAAAAAY!"

The Sheikah cheered, back in their underground city of Sheikotopia. "Y-a-a-a-a-a-y."

Nayru cheered. "w00t! Part-aaaaaaay in da HOUSE TONIGHT YAAAAALL!"

The pot-head screamed. "WHAAAAAAAAT? NONONONONONONO!" Drawing from Maleficent, "NO! THIS CANNOT BE!''  
>There was a flash of light, and Din appeared, in all her fiery glory. Unfortunately, the divine Goddess of Power (and yaoi) forgot that mere mortals couldn't bear her supreme presence and everyone burned to fiery ashes. Ganondorf was happy, Vio was happy, I was happy, the Author was happy, Zelda was happy that the idiots weren't around to ruin her romantic getaway with that hunk Vaati by "saving" her, Tingle wasn't happy (yay!), Hyrule was safe from the 'heroes', and all was right in the world. Oh yes, Vaati is the Hylian equivalent of... whip out your calculators, y'all, this is gonna be a big one! Trust me, you CANNOT do this by hand in your head. Ready? Ready? Okay! Vaati=(Brad Pitt+Ryan Reynalds)/(Justin Bieber) + [(Taylor Lautner's Abs)³ - (That-actor-who-plays-Edward's CGI abs)] + ((((The Author)))).

...Look, it's in the script, okay? MY JOB IS ON THE LINE HERE! I GOT TEN KIDS TO FEED AND A *****y WIFE TO PLACATE WITH BEER AND RASPERRY MOCHAS FROM DUNKIN!

** A little shameless self-plugging in there. Oh yes, gaze at my hotness and tremble!**

_-_-; Don't flatter yourself._

**Hey! *flexes* Take a gander at those beauties, eh?**

_ What, the flab? It's like a water bed._

**But-**

_ MOVING ON!_

***swallows manliness, poking the jiggling triceps.* Okay... *sob***

_Hey, why did you subtract Robert Patterson from Taylor Lautner? I mean, why detract from Tay-Tay's adorable hunkiness?_

**Didn't you just say-**

_ ANSWER THE QUESTION, FOOL!_

**I, uh, ummmm...**

_ *pulls out machete-shooting machine gun*_

**Well, I figured that they were so non-existant that they were waaaaay NEGATIVE, and thereby subtracting them from Taylor Lautner was actually adding a LOT of hotness to... um, Tay-Tay.**

_ ... Nerd._

**Guilty! ****^_^ ****So, about Christmas/New Years-**

_ SHUT THE FRONT DOOR AND GET ON WITH THE STORY! SHEEEEEEEESH!_

***grumbles* Well EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE ME, PRINCESS!**

_ . . . *fires*_

***dies***

*Rejoices* Anyway, the main characters had (most unfortunately) burnt into a crisp. The tears that stream down my invisible face. Oh sob. Oh cry. Oh, how I wish to be... good! If only there were some kind souls that would-

**Dresses in Mermaid Man suit and waggles eyebrows at Girlfriend.**

_ Oh H-EEEEEEEELL no! I ain't no Barnacle Boy! _

**But!**

_ No butts! THE MAIN CHARACTERS HAVE BEEN DISINTEGRATED AND WE'RE ALL CELEBRATING- I mean, CRYING, OVER THE LOSS OF SUCH MANLY MEN! *cough* unlike you... DON'T RESPOND TO THAT, BOY! JUST WRITE THE STORY!_

Most unfortunately, Din was upset that her play-things had disintegrated and pulled out her phone. "Yeah, Nay-nay? I had a little accident..."

.reilrea sdnoces ytrihT.

The pot-head screamed. "WHAAAAAAAAAT? NONONONONO!"

There was a flash of light, and a red-headed tween girl stood where the pot-head had once been. "There! Much better!"

Green nudged Blue. "Is she a pot-head?"

Blue nodded wisely. "I always knew that Din did pot... it explains a lot."

Vio stroked his beard, somehow acquiring a Chinesian Accent. "According to the Great Scrolls in the Temple of Time, it was said that Din was the only one on Drugs. She went to Majora's Rehab Clinic on the Moon, but checked herself out after seeing Majora do the moonwalk across a psychedelic Elvis Star Wars platform."

"I AM HERE!" Din said, _poofing _Vio away so that he wouldn't steal her splotlight and destroy the fragile plot that the Girlfriend had somehow managed to whack outta da Author's high mind.

"GASP!" The characters cried, their chagrin at the climax coming to a clash at the catastrophe they could call to their... um... something-that-starts-with-C. Hey, I ain't no friggin English Major! Whadduya want, the Illiad or sometin'? Shakespeare? WELL, TO BAD! I AIN'T GOWHEN NOWEAR, FOOL!

Din's talking.

"LOL," the annoying red head said, "Im in da story now! And gues wat? "ILL GET U 2 TOGETHER YET, MI PRETTIES! & UR LITTLE FRENDS 2!"

"What?" Green and Vio looked at her. Then at each other. Then they sloooooowly put some more distance in between each oth- wait, wasn't he JUST poofed away? AWAY WITH YOU!

Vio sighed. "Poofed in by the Author, then out by Din, then back in by the Girlfriend, then away by the Author, then back by Navi, I'M SO CONFUSED!" He grabbed Green's sword of Neurotic-ness and attempted to impale himself. Then he saw the mass multitudes of creeper pedo Force Fairies creeping around the tent all-creepy like and thought better of it. Then he poofed away.

TAKE TWO! REWIND!

Elihwa sekat gnidaol... tiaW.

- FANFICTION WON'T LET ME PUT IN LINEBREAKERS SO THIS'LL HAVE TO DO -

"I'LL GET YOU TWO TOGETHER YET, MY PRETTIES! AND YOUR LITTLE FAIRY, TOO!"

Green sighed. "Much better."

"HEY LOOK LISTEN!" Navi said, swirling up from the depths of the human capacity for annoyingness. "I'M NOT EVEN IN THIS STORY BUT I'M HERE AND WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN AND HEY LOOK IT'S MISTER SUN! HI MISTER SUN! HEY LOOK SOME GRASS! IF YOU CUT THEM WITH YOUR SWORD, THEN YOU MIGHT FIND RUPEES AND YOU COULD KEEP THEM! ISN'T THAT COOL? THEN YOU COULD FINALLY BUY THAT CONDO FOR ME INSIDE YOUR HAT! YAAAAY! SHOULDN'T YOU GO TO THE FORBIDDEN FOREST TO SAY HI TO SARIA, I BET SHE MISSES YOU! HEY LOOK LISTEN WATCH OUT, IT'S DIN! SHE'S GOING TO TRY TO PUT YOU TOGETHER WITH BLUE, RED!"

"WE KNOW!" Every character in the Hylian Universe screamed, somehow managing to smack her with a flyswatter at the exact same time.

"Ouch!" Red said, wincing at Navi's blue fairy guts. "That looked like it hurt!"

"Hmph." Blue said, holding his baseball bat aloft. "She'll be back. You'll be balancing over a pit of fiery death and doom and madness and fire and angst and death and horror and fire and doom and death and darkness and sadness and despair in the Shadow Temple on a tightrope as 'HEY CAREFUL DON'T FALL!'"

"So, basically, anywhere above Shadow Link?"

"Yep."

"But for now..." Din said, returning the heroes attention (and the plot) momentarily to her. "I'm a random red-headed tween, and I'm going to go to Vegas, but whenever the plot needs spicing up... I'll be there to awkwardly interject myself and my YAOI-NESS into this story! Mark my words!"

"Marked!" Red said happily, holding up a quill. "Just got it down on the scroll of death threats we've received!"

"How many does that make now, Red?" Green asked, stretching.

"5,489." Red said. "Some from Shadow Link's blog, some restraining orders from Zelda, some from Gannondork-"

"NO! DOUBLE! N!" Green screamed, slashing at Red with the Neurotic Sword of Obssessive Legend of Zelda Nerd-itity.

Red blocked with a banana. "HA! Eat my cartoony-defiance of all things Physics! EAT POTASSIUM, YOU FIEND!"

"K!" Green said, taking a bite out of the banana.

"Want some Sodium with that?" Red asked, holding up a salt-shaker.

"Na!" Green said, shaking his head.

"If Vio was here," Blue said musingly, "he would do one of two things. A, he would kill himself, or 2, he would laugh his cheeks off at the Chemistry puns."

"WE NEED A PLOT!" Green said, heroicly raising his sword. "LET US GO AND, uh..."

"FIND IT!" Red said, spinning happily.

"For," Blue sang in a squeaky Opera voice, "it has been lost in the depths of the Author's... aaaapaaath-YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Every glass within a forty mile radius shattered.

"For Potatoes!" Green said.

"For Bananas!" Red said.

"For Zelda," Blue said, waggling his eyebrows, "~Cause she loves mah Master Sword!~"

"I DO NOT," Zelda screamed over the phone, "GET OUT OF MY LIFE, PERVERT!"

"FOR SMOSH!" They all cried together, dashing off into the sunset. Then, of course, they realized that the sun was in space, and they died. Yaaaaay!

Zelda smiled at the Author. "Thanks for letting me make that plot change, Author." She handed him ten gagillion rupees. For you LoZ n00bs who don't know, that's a LOT of rupees. Captain Obvious strikes again!

She then skipped back to Vaati's summer getaway in Lake Hylia. "~Oh Vaati! Zellie's coming back for you!~"

"GET OUT OF MY LIFE!" Vaati screamed. "I HAVE A RESTRAINING ORDER!"

- - - - - - - - - - - End of Chapter - - - - - - - - - -

~Mail Time Mail Time Mail Time MAAAIL TIIIIIIME~

Blue: jk y'all!

Red: *smacks Blue* We're doing it whether you want to or not!

Blue: Heeeyyyy, that's my line!

Green: Okay, let's see here, what do we have... *shifts through reviews* Umm...

Blue: Here's one. It's in response to our threat of having the Sue make-over anyone who doesn't review.

Red: Ooooh! Sounds funnyful!

Bluuuue: Ahem. "I will never review this story; you might as well send ME to hell. Or the makeover."

Red: *cackles and pulls out personal Victoria's Secret hair-care products* SUE! WE'RE GONNA HAVE A SLEEPOVER!

Sue: SQUEEEEEEEE

Green: Whaaa? But... but... this was said in a review! And it said, and we, and GAAAAHAAHAHAHAHA!

Blue: We're sorry to announce that the actor playing "Green" has collapsed due to excessive brain-rape. For more information, see the tvTropes page on "brain-rape." Also see "Blue Screen of Death." Oh, but you could ALSO read-

Red: Don't listen to him! tvTROPES IS DEATH! *sobs* Countless hours spent tab-browsing! IT NEVER ENDSS! *dies*

Blue: *cackles* I'm all alone now... Green is comatose... Red is dead... it's just me... finally!

Vio: Bam.

Blue: *dies*

Vio: Victory! Finally, I'm away from that YELLOW IDIOT! Squidward... I feel your pain. Truly, I do. *pulls out card* I'm a member of the help-group for "I'm-surrounded-by-idiots-itis," if you ever want to come to one of our sessions... we plan our tormentors' deaths and executions and suicides! IT'S SO MUCH FUN!

Navi: HEY VIO! AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE WATCHING ME? HUH? HUH? HEY LOOK IT'S A SCROLL BAR! HI MISTER SCROLL BAR! WOW, YOU'RE REALLY BIG! ARE YOU ALWAYS THIS BIG, OR IS IT JUST WITH ME?

Vio: O.O

Navi: *sobs* IT ISN'T JUST WITH ME, IS IT? I BET YOU'RE LIKE THIS WITH ALL THE STORIES AND ALL THEIR DITZY CHARACTERS! WHYY? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!

Vio: *sighs and pulls out hammer* No rest for the wicked, I'm afraid.

Navi: HEY WATCHA DOING HEY LOOK CAREFUL WITH THAT HAMMER! SEA MONKEY'S GOT MY MONEY!

Vio: *twitches* Ooooohhhh... I can't do it! Dory is just so cute!

Navi: WOW THANKS HEY LOOK IT'S THE SEARCH TAB AND THE DOWN-SIZE BUTTON AND THE PROFILE PIC AND THE- *gurk*

Vio: Whoops! I dropped it. HAH! *victory dance* Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah, go Vio, go Vio, uh-hu!

Narrator: FORCE FAIRIES! ASSEMBLE!

Force Fairies: *pants* Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii Viiiiioooo...

Vio: ... F you, Narrator.

Narrator: Remember to review, kiddies! We like it when you review. Oh yes... oh yes... I love my reviews... on the cold winter nights, we all snuggle up together... all 39 of them and I... but, I've got a problem.

Vio: OH REALLY? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

Narrator: Ha-ha, it's funny that you ask that, Vio, see, the thing is- I've still got room for more at my place. A LOT more. So, click that little 'REVIEW' button. Watch the count rise. Let's shoot for FIFTY. Make my day. And night. Know that your little review and I will have fun... drinking hot cocoa by the fireplace. Por favor, your little review is lonely all by xirself. Send xir down; xir'll have tons of fun with others just like xir! So, thank you to all you suckers- I mean, loyal readers- who continue to read this Farore-forsaken story. See ya!


End file.
